Truck Driver Wins Lamborghini; Immediately Crashes It

Yahoo - Just a few hours after getting the keys to the V-12 powered Italian supercar named for a famed Spanish fighting bull, David Dopp took to the roads around his home in Santaquin, Utah. According to In Santaquin News, police were called about dusk after a witness spotted the all-wheel-drive Lambo bass-ackwards in a field, with skidmarks from where it left the road. Dopp -- who had apparently already taken one call from the local police about takin' it easy before going off-road -- says he was going about 40 mph to 50 mph on a 35-mph road when he hit a patch of what he called black ice or gravel. The police report says the car went over a curb, off the road and 75 feet into the field, calling the accident "speed related."

This reminds me of the time I went and borrowed my dad's golf clubs when he was at work, and right before I close the door behind me my mom screams out "DON'T BREAK THEM!" And I immediately shatter the head on his 3 wood in a freak accident at the driving range. Obviously my intention was to go hit golf balls, not other clubs lying in close proximity to the tee and breaking them. I think Davey Dopp can relate here, I mean obviously he wasn't trying to drive a Lamborghini around ice covered Utah wanting to crash it just hours after he got it, so for the cops to warn him to take it easy is just like telling a pitcher throwing a perfect game that he's only got 3 outs left and he's been pitching super great and if he doesn't fuck up at all he'll have a perfect game. It's like an automatic jinx. So really, I blame the cops here, not the asshole who was ripping around Iceland, Utah in a brand new $200,000 Lambo.

What's Worse Than Getting Knocked Out?

I'd have to say getting knocked out then having 5 black kids LOLing in your face. Like that fucking SUCKS. "YOU GOIN' ON WORLDSTAR SON!" Just all in your face reminding you how bad you got your ass kicked 10 seconds ago. How about him just walking back and forth still trying to put together what just happened meanwhile the dude who did it is already done eating dinner and probably in the middle of a street ball game with your Foamposites on.

No Way! Power Bands Don't Give You Super Athletic Powers?!



Of course a soccer pussy would wear this shit.


TMZ - Power Balance -- the company that allegedly duped athletes into believing its bracelets could provide super-human strength -- is about to take a $57 million dollar hit in a lawsuit filed by people who called BS on the product ... TMZ has learned. A class action suit was filed in federal court in L.A. back in January ... alleging consumers were duped into believing the hologram-embedded band was scientifically proven to enhance balance, flexibility and strength. There was just one small problem -- there was never any hard evidence to back those claims. Now, sources with direct knowledge of the situation tell TMZ ... the company has reached a settlement worth $57.4 million, intended to compensate all those who were misled into buying the product. And it gets worse for PB -- we're told the company will be declaring bankruptcy and plans to fold up shop altogether. The Power Balance bracelets CRUSHED IT when they first appeared on the scene a few years ago -- with superstars like Drew Brees and Shaq vouching for the product. Turns out ... size, strength and talent can't be sold in stores.

--Update--
3:10 PM: Power Balance officially filed for bankruptcy this morning ... but afterward, the company posted a tweet stating, "Power Balance is not going out of business."

Seriously, what's next - someone gonna tell me Santa isn't real?? How is it possible these rubber bracelets that cost $20 don't give me super human abilities?! I've had so many arguments with my idiot friends who had this thing and actually believed they had more "balance" and felt better when they had it on. One of my friends wore it and would do tests on people to prove it. So he'd start off by shoving them where they'd almost fall down when they still had no clue what was going on, then he'd take his bracelet and just put it on their shoulder and then lightly poke them. Well they obviously didn't move and this bracelet makes out looking like a fucking hero. Magically balancing this unsuspecting human from a real life Facebook poke. He impressed everyone so much with his tests that one of my roommates had one not even two days later.. I just never understood how a $25 dollar rubber band could change anything - like I rock some of the Nike bands but they come in a 5 pack for like $5, and I do it just strictly as a fashion thing. I don't run around claiming my painful arthritis has completely gone away, but only when I'm within 3 feet of my superpower band. Love the fact they got called out on their bullshit scam, now I get to rub it in my friends faces. HA! Idiots. You'll never get that money back, enjoy your bracelets.

Drunk Kid Crashes Into Cop Who Just So Happens To Be On DWI Patrol

Newsday - A 22-year-old Coram man was arrested and charged with drunken driving Thursday morning -- after he crashed into an officer driving on DWI patrol, Suffolk County police said. A mug shot taken after his arrest shows Kevin Daly, 22, of Coram, wearing a shirt that reads: "I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I'M A DRUNK. ALCOHOLICS GO TO MEETINGS." He was charged with DWI. Police said he also was issued several traffic summonses. The officer was injured in the crash and was transported to Stony Brook University Medical Center, where he was treated and released, police said. The identity of the officer was not released. Police said Daly, driving a 2000 Saturn, attempted to turn right from County Road 83, North Ocean Avenue, onto Route 25A in Mount Sinai just before 2 a.m. Thursday when he struck the marked patrol car as it headed east on Route 25A. The road was closed between North Ocean and Coram-Mount Sinai Road for about 4 1/2 hours following the crash. Daly is scheduled for arraignment Thursday in First District Court in Central Islip.

Well someone obviously wasn't doing their job out there. You're on DWI patrol and couldn't find a drunk driver until they literally T-boned your fucking squad car? You just can't script this shit. Add to that this kids fuckin' shirt, seriously if this isn't the best DWI mugshot of all-time then kill me now. I almost feel like it had to be staged, like the asshole cops were behind the camera making him to weird poses and one of them in the back screams out "PUT THIS SHIRT ON PUSSY!" Probably beat the shit out of this kid all night in the holding cell - seriously this is almost worse than killing a cop.... Almost killing a cop. Because now not only is the entire police force wanting to beat your ass - but the cop that you didn't finish the job on is now hunting you down, I mean I don't know if I can write up another scenario worse than that. This kid may only get a couple months in jail and he might be "free".... But getting harassed and pulled over every two seconds for changing the radio station while driving - he's pretty much locked up for the rest of his life if you think about it.

Teacher Talks Shit To Special Needs Student

By any chance... You think this kids dad is a Flyers fan?

Guy Surfs Billion Foot Wave

I'm probably the last human to give respect to any person who participates in any sport outside of basketball, football and baseball - maybe hockey - but I'll give this guy some props first off on being a fucking nutjob and secondly for somehow not dying. I'm pretty terrified of the ocean, I kind of want to go on a cruise one day but don't want to end up like Jack in Titanic even if I do get to paint some huge tits before I die but drowning has to be up there with one of the worst ways to die. I need my shit to be instant, like getting a train rammed up my asshole - that's got to be instantaneous death. Probably wouldn't feel a thing. Explosions? Sign me up. Rocket right through the face? Good with that. But drowning and burning to death are fighting for last place on my ways to die list. They're like the Dolphins and Colts right now. Either way Bodhi fuckin' killed that wave, but shit like catching it on camera from 7 angles in perfect HD and embarrassing the shit out of that wave scares me to death because next time you see this guys name in the news, it's going to be the ocean that wins.

RIP Dwight Arrington Myers

Heard this news last night, was kind of shocked by it. Shocked actually that Heavy D was only 44, makes it a little tougher to hear he was so young. Anytime someone dies that young it sucks but he was one of the good guys and he left a solid legacy behind. Not to date myself or clichè it up, but growing up this was some of the first hip-hop I ever heard. It was back when I'd hide the radio under my blanket when I was supposed to be sleeping but was secretly sneaking in some of that illegal rap stuff. His stuff was an absolute staple at all our middle school dances. When all the guys stood on one side and all the girls stood on another his songs were blazing and sounded a lot clearer without all the bodies in the way so the sound could bounce uninterrupted off the gym walls. But this is sad news for sure, unfortunate he was never as big as Tupac or Biggie and won't be celebrated the way they were, but some of the younger thundercats will get to hear some of old school shit that brought hip-hop to where it is now. I'm sure the intention wasn't to let people like Soulja Boy Tell 'Em Crank Dat and Ying Yang Twins and these other fucking assholes ruin it but whatever.

We All Know The LIRR Sucks But You What Really Sucks About It?

Everything. I mean there's just so much shit that sucks about commuting in general, that when you add absolute incompetence into the mix it becomes laughable. I always laugh when people complain about the LIRR, almost one of those "Well seriously what do you expect" kind of laughs. It's hilarious that we just accept the fact we have to hand over a fucking car payment each month to get literally nothing in return. Them fucking up has become so common that it's literally just expected. Like when that autobot comes on the intercom and give you one of those robotic messages and you hold your breath right at "The WEST-bound train to PENN station is operating.... (breath being held).... ON TIME" (exhale) and then you realize you have kind of a cold sweat and figure out that the little robot voice basically controls how the rest of your day is going to go. Well here's my list of things that suck about commuting on the LIRR:

5) The conductors - This one goes last because this is a half shitty half good thing about the train. There are those few conductors that have so much fucking pride in being a part of the LIRR you almost feel like they'd take a bullet for the train. They know every stop on every branch and every single transfer at Jamaica off the top of their head. They punch holes through one of those 8x11 tickets at about 16 per second. They sort of amaze me. Then there's the asshole conductors, the ones who tell you to take your feet off the seat or that you can't stand in certain area even though there's no where to sit. The ones who act like you're the biggest asshole ever for not having your ticket ready for when they come through. The ones who poke you to wake you up to show them a ticket that was easily visible to them but they won't acknowledge it unless you're awake? The worst.

These TUMS Commercials Are Pretty Much Balls To The Wall Gay Right?

I'm not some sort of Homo hate monger now - these are definitely really gay right? Like "Hey Mike Waltrip thanks for making it down, look here's the scenario you're going to be holding a wielding cock shaped object and you're going to try and put it into your mouth but it's just going to degrade you and slap you all over the face, alright ACTION!" Like how bad is Waltrip's career that he had to revert to trying to insert uncooperative dick shaped objects into his mouth? That's kind of not even the funniest part, the "about time I'm really going to enjoy this" bite is hilarious. Like they're confirming they got it in their mouth while smiling and taking a bite at the same time it's so awkward, not like trying to get it in their mouth was awkward enough. Marketing 101 - well played TUMS.

If This Kid Doesn't Win This Dumb Ass Show I'll Lose My Shit

This kid is 14 just owning everyone in the room. Commanding 38 year old awkward white men to jiggity jiggity jump like they did when Kris Kross was hot and they didn't even miss a beat. I mean, this kid makes old white men feel cool. Seriously who has the swag to beat this little motherfucker?? No one. Kid is fresh out of Brooklyn with swag dripping out of his ass just flooding the room with it. He's like Magic Johnson, just making everyone around him better. Even Simon is nice to this kid, his uncontrollable swag floods are like some sort of magical spell he just can't help it. Astro the kid is fire fucking flames - Sign him up. LA Reid should have him sprain an ankle or some shit, pull him from this shitty little audition show filled with amateurs and immediately sign him to a monster record deal on the fucking spot. Doing this show is embarrassing for this kid he should be selling out tours, smoking weed with Snoop, banging strippers on a tour bus and hiring people to kill people for him at this point. He's already bigger than this shit, competition has been over ever since he made Rihanna wet herself.



BREAKING: Amy Winehouse Died From Drinking Too Much

LONDON (AP) — Amy Winehouse drank herself to death. Doctors say acute alcohol poisoning is usually the result of binge drinking — the human body can only process about one unit of alcohol, or about half a glass of wine, an hour. Having too much alcohol in the body can cause severe dehydration, hypothermia, seizures, breathing problems, and a heart attack, among other difficulties. There is no minimum dose for acute alcohol poisoning and the condition varies depending on a person's age, sex, weight, how fast the alcohol is drunk and other factors such as drug use. Police Detective Inspector Les Newman, who was called after a security guard found Winehouse, said three empty vodka bottles — two large and one small — were found in her bedroom.

Stop traffic! Amy Winehouse drinks? When the fuck did this happen? If this crazy bitch can die from drinking too much then what the hell am I thinking drinking on the weekend? Amy Winehouse is what football fans would refer to as a workhorse. She's the one that shoulders the load, drinks your drinks if you can't handle shit - "Oh you still can't figure out how to take that nipple off your vodka on the rocks? GULP! Pussy..." She was the girl that outlasted every guy in the bar. You needed her to go on short rest? No questions asked she wanted that glass, she wanted to be on the bar for that important night - Never gave excuses and never talked about injuries or what was hurting after a few projectile vomits. Just got her shit together and went back out there, a pure grinder. So this is what fucking scares me, if she can't handle drinking or going hard at age 27 - what business do I have attempting to go hard at the Giants game on Sunday? Who do I think I am shotgunning a beer? Shit has me shook now, feel like I'm going to take a sip of a Coors Light and look like someone just pulled my plug in the Matrix, just lifeless to the ground out of nowhere. I'm closing in fast on 28 and according to Winehouse it looks like the clock runs out on this drinking thing pretty fucking quick.

Who The Fuck Says "Ain't" Anymore?

Answer: The cast of Jersey Shore and terrible screenwriters, apparently.

I couldn't be less excited to see this movie based solely on this awful movie poster:

Really, writers of Jack and Jill (which by the way is one of the least creative movie names I've ever heard)? The best you could do to entice me to come watch this shit film is to tell me Adam Sandler dressed as a woman "ain't pretty"? Pauly D could have written a better one-liner.

The screenwriters responsible for this marketing travesty should go back on strike. Permanently.

And while we're at it, how much longer are we, the apparent assholes willing to drop $13 to not laugh at Sandler's movies, going to keep putting up with this before we just stop going? I hope this is the last one he makes because it's been nine years since his last half-decent movie, Mr. Deeds.

Wayne Gretzky Really Is The Greatest

Because he produced Paulina Gretzky. Pres has featured her now multiple times over on Barstool and she was also been featured on what I think is the greatest GTA I've ever seen posted on that site. Anyone who knows me knows that I am on the brunette side of the fence when it comes to this blonde vs. brunette rivalry, but I honestly consider this girl one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life. She's an absolute 11 out of 10 I really don't think I've seen anyone hotter than this besides maybe Arianny Celeste. Those two would create the most insane blonde vs. brunette showdown I think I've ever had to see, wouldn't be able to choose.

Introducing Paulina Gretzky:



More pics after the jump....

Really, America?

At first glance, I’m pretty proud of our country. The NFL is the most popular sport among adults in the US of A followed closely by the Olympics (national pride, awesome) and then baseball (America’s pastime):

However, upon further review…

Fucking gymnastics and figure skating rank ahead of college basketball? You have to be shitting me, America.

Can Someone Kill This Slut Already?



Are those bruises on your face? What the hell is that?


LOS ANGELES (AP) — Lindsay Lohan arrived late to her first day of community service at the county morgue Thursday and was turned away, another hiccup in the actress' effort to prove to a judge that she is complying with terms of her probation. Steve Honig, Lohan's spokesman, said in a statement that the actress was late because she didn't know which entrance to report to and "and confusion caused by the media waiting for her arrival." Lohan apologized later Thursday on Twitter. "I'm sorry for the confusion that I may of caused to those at the Coroner's office. Won't happen again, now I know where to go!" Lohan tweeted. "With all the stress and pressure from yesterday and today, I've never been so happy to go to therapy!!!!" she also tweeted. She remains on probation for a pair of drunken driving arrests in 2007 and a misdemeanor theft case filed earlier this year after she was accused of taking a $2,500 necklace without permission. She pleaded no contest in that theft case. Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner ordered Lohan to complete 16 hours of work at the morgue before a Nov. 2 hearing. The judge will determine whether Lohan violated the terms of her probation by being terminated from the Downtown Women's Center after being late several times and not showing up for her service. Lohan will be doing mostly janitorial work at the morgue, Harvey said. Her duties will include cleaning and stocking restrooms, mopping floors and washing sheets that the facility uses, he said. The actress will have to surrender her cellphone while working at the morgue and will have to bring her own lunch, Harvey said.

Is this fucking slut serious? Tweeting excuses how she couldn't find which entrance to go in to?? Listen pig, this isn't your freshman year on campus looking for Economics 101, pretty sure the county morgue is in a pretty specific location. "With all the stress and pressure from yesterday and today, I've never been so happy to go to therapy!!!!" Shut the fuck up like you're happy with being a walking train wreck - I want to kick this asshole right in the face, I don't think I could hate anyone more than this. She's been arrested about a billion times, been caught with drugs, driving drunk, and she walks around like she can't be fucking touched it makes me sick. Normal person is in jail already serving a 20 year sentence for her wrap sheet, she's blowing off probation like it doesn't mean shit. She had to do 120 hours, went for less than 1.... So what's her punishment?? Cleaning toilets bitch! For a whole two days - wait what? 16 hours?! So her sentence was actually reduced for basically shoving shit in the courts face she gets a shorter sentence... Oh okay. So I'm gonna go on a crime spree that will make Robert Blake cum in his pants, go home and fuck your wife take your daughters virginity and I should basically have a parade thrown in my honor is what you're telling me.. Because if you sentence me to life in prison I'm just not gonna show up, then you'll tell me to go clean up shit off the floor of a nursing home but I'll tell you to go fuck yourself and then it looks like you'll just tell me to come somewhere for an hour and take some pictures with fans and then I'm free to go on with life. Okay sounds good. I fucking hate California and hate everyone that lives there. Every time I think of that shit hole I think everyone looks and acts exactly like this piece of trash:



Nice deformed lips

 PS - Anyone who watches The League (best show of all-time) on FX will understand the crime spree line... Fucking hilarious, best scene that show ever had.

iPhone Siri vs. Japanese Guy - Who Ya Got?

Yo Shin Sue give it up, it can't understand you! Can't help but love the persistence of this little Japanese fucker - just won't quit. After about the 8th try even he started laughing at how terrible his R pronunciation is. I guess I kind of get it though because when I try speaking Spanish I can't roll my R's for shit. I sound like my tongue is swollen up like I'm allergic to speaking the language. But that's just a defect, lot of English speaking people can roll R's that just happens not to be in my arsenal - but out of the billions of Asian people out there, each and every one of them is missing the R sound in their DNA, it's like someone fucked up the instructions on making these people and forgot a letter. I mean R is an important letter, them not having that capability just makes them an easy target over here on the mainland, just immediate disadvantage. I mean they already can't drive for shit, this is just mean not being able to use the letter R at all. They probably just chose to be good at calculus because it has no R in it. Sneaky move, maybe we take the R out of driving and they can finally learn how to do that too.

Hey Joe Namath, Shut the Fuck Up!

Is there anything more annoying than a retired dude talking shit about his ex-team?

Yes, dudes who retired almost 35(!) years ago talking shit about their ex-teams.

Jets fans will always have a sot spot in their hearts for Broadway Joe because he led the underdogs to a Super Bowl III title. Few fans realize he wasn't actually that great of a quarterback.

Look at his career numbers:

Record: 62-63-4

Playoff Wins: 2 (a number Mark Sanchez surpassed during his second season in the league)

Completion Percentage: 50.1% (I'm not suggesting fat boy was a better quarterback, but JaMarcus Russell - arguably the worst quarterback ever to play in the NFL - had a career completion percentage of 52.1%. Namath only completed a higher percentage of his passes in two out of his 13 seasons. Again, just a frame of reference.)

Passing Touchdowns: 173

Interceptions: 220

Rushing Yards: 140

Fumbles Lost: 33

Now, Namath is spouting some bullshit about the 2011 Jets not being up to snuff. After the Week 3 loss, he ripped Rex Ryan and his coaching style:

Then after the Week 4 loss, he criticized Santonio Holmes and the Jets front office:

Finally (I hope) today, he ripped the team again:

What is the end game here, Joe? You are burning the only bridge you have: Jets fans who have never seen another Super Bowl don't want to hear their team sucks.

The only relevant thing this asshole has done in the last 30+ years is embarrass himself on national television trying unsuccessfully to make out with Suzy Kolber:





No one wants to hear a semi-delusional old man's opinion about the Jets. If we did, we would turn on Mike Francesa on WFAN. Please go back to boozing, and we'll wake you when we need a good laugh.

Get A Load Of This Asshole Who Bought A Rock In The Middle Of Nowhere That's Covered In Shit

It may be called "Rat Island," but it's a thing of beauty to Alex Schibli. After spending years gazing from his City Island backyard at the small island jutting out of the water, Schibli has just become the ruler of all he surveys. He bought the small island at auction for $160,000. How long did he stare out at the island and admire it? "Oh every day. Every day," Schibli said. "I wanted to buy the island to protect it…that is doesn't get into wrong hands. That I don't lose it as my recreation place." The small island, which is almost completely submerged at high tide, is mostly rocky, and is littered with thousands of mussel shells among the rocks and some small patches of grass. "I'd like to have it as it is. That I can still go out there, take people out there. I might put a sign out there that it's a private island and that they should respect nature," he said. As for the current name of the island, Schibli thinks it's quite "stupid." He says he's considering renaming the Island after his 5-year-old granddaughter, Malina. "There are definitely no rats out there, it's a stupid name — Rat Island. I don't know if it's possible to re-name the island. I don't know," he said.

Is this guy fucking kidding me? He might put a sign out there saying respect nature? You know that's a great idea because it'll probably keep away all those kids who hang out there at night, who decide at 1am to hop on their boats and kayak out to an island that's barely sticking out of the water and throw their cigarette butts on there then paddle back to hit McDonald's. What can you possibly do with this piece of shit island that has a couple patches of grass and is filled with mussel shells that hurt like shit when you step on them? Can't build a fuckin thing on it, can't raise the thing so it doesn't go under water during high tide - I mean what the hell is that thing worth $160,000 dollars for?? He wanted to buy it so it didn't end up in the wrong hands? Well I'm pretty sure you're the biggest asshole who could've bought this thing. Every reason he gives for wanting the island is such a pompous dickhead response. "I'd like to have it as it is" really? You paid $160 thousand just so you could look out of your shit hole window at a rock in the water? For $160,000 I'd be debt free sitting front row at every Giants game, rolling up in a stretch Benz tailgating the shit out of the stadium. Just so many more important and useful ways to spend that kind of money than some stupid rock no one will ever get any use from now that you're slapping "private" signs all over it you loser.

Fuckin Tourists...

So yesterday I'm on the train home from work.... Now lately I've been catching an earlier train and have gotten pretty used to that commute, the people on the train, where I sit and all that. Well we've been asked to leave directly on time which causes me to miss that train and catch one that gets me home about 30 minutes later which is absolute horseshit but whatever. So we get to Jamaica and this fucking weirdo gets on with about 300 things and sits down in one of those handicap areas (parking in a handicap spot should get you shot, but sitting in them is completely fine in my opinion, this has nothing to do with why he's an asshole, keep reading). So he plops his shit down and is still managing to hold a conversation with this lady who seems to speak half Russian and half English, I don't know shit was weird. He's obviously a tourist and never been to NY before, but he's asking the one person on the train who's clueless about everything, like he's trusting literally everything she says. Let me also describe what this clown looks like:

I Might As Well Have Been Matthew Stafford Yesterday

Someone hire the both of us on their staff for a million/yr if you want to win a Super Bowl this year.