Roy Halladay Acting Like He Saved Some Kid From An Anaconda

Mets Mezmorized Online (And you think Swagstein is a shitty blog name?) - According to NESN, Roy Halladay was on a fishing trip in the Amazon with Chris Carpenter, B.J. Ryan and professional fisher Skeet Reese, when he and Reese stumbled upon a local boy being attacked by an anaconda. Here is what happened according to Reese’s recent blog post:


“Me and Doc Halladay even came across a local, sitting bare naked on a tree by the river. What we were able to figure out is that he was fishing in the river for tropical fish to sell for aquariums when he got attacked by an anaconda. The snake apparently bit him on the ass but he was able to free himself before the snake wrapped him up. Instead the snake wrapped around his motor on the back of his little 14 foot dugout canoe and tore it off the back of his boat. Doc and I helped him gather his gear and flip the boat back over and then towed him home. You could definitely see the bite mark on his ass, but he was able to fight it off; amazing.”


So let me get this straight: The Mets won’t let R.A. Dickey climb Mt. Kilimanjaro but the Phillies will let Roy Halladay wrestle anacondas in the Amazon? Got it.

Wow, I mean Halladay must have some huge balls to get in there and wrestle that Anaconda like that, did you see what that fucking thing did to J. Lo and Ice Cube??? That had a motor that just didn't stop, tough to get in there and take that thing on after seeing that - wait what? He didn't do anything? So let me get this straight.... They watched some kid get bit in the ass, have his boat ripped apart, laughed it up pointing at him making fun of him that he was naked, then after they were disappointed he didn't get eaten and shit, they towed him back to where he came from? Sounds more like an article about LeBron than Roy Halladay, but I guess a fraud is a fraud, whether it's LeBron or the entire city of Philadelphia.

The Hebrew Hammer Caught Juicing

ESPN - Earlier that spring, after Alex Rodriguez was exposed for using steroids, Braun spoke to MLB.com about the "mistakes" made by the superstar. Braun said he met Rodriguez in 2001 during a recruiting trip to the University of Miami. Asked if he were surprised that Rodriguez had been exposed as a steroid user, Braun was quoted saying, "I don't know if I would say I was surprised. I feel like it was so rampant, so prevalent, in baseball during that time period that not much surprises me anymore. If anything, I was surprised he got caught, that it came out this long after he supposedly did it." On whether he had ever been tempted to try performance-enhancing drugs, Braun said, "It's never something that I sought." MLB.com wrote that Braun then showed "a flash of his sense of humor and his well-documented self-confidence" by adding, "I would never do it because if I took steroids, I would hit 60 or 70 home runs." Braun was speaking to the website prior to the news conference at which Rodriguez admitted his use. "... The best thing he can do is come out, admit to everything and be completely honest," Braun said. "The situation will die a lot faster if he tells the whole truth." Since breaking into the majors in 2007 at 23, Braun has emerged as one of the sport's top young players. He won the NL Rookie of the Year in 2007 and was an All-Star each of the past four seasons. In his rookie season, Braun hit 34 homers and drove in 97 runs, while amassing a .634 slugging percentage in just 113 games. He had 37 home runs and 106 RBI the following year, then saw his power numbers decline modestly over the next two seasons. He still hit 25 home run runs and had a .501 slugging percentage in 2010. In April, Braun signed a five-year contract extension worth $105 million. He then went out and had his best season ever, carrying the Brewers to their first division title in nearly three decades. He led the league in slugging percentage at .597, with a .332 batting average, 33 home runs, 111 runs batted in, 109 runs scored and 33 stolen bases.

Well here's a surprise. Look everyone in the Major Leagues is juicing, who cares? Best thing Braun can do here is admit he did it. Listen to your own condescending high horse advice and tell the truth. Guy has been denying it since he was caught, just a bad strategy if you ask me. I happened to play against Braun in college, and if there was someone juicing in college - I mean c'mon. I actually thought the entire Miami roster was on the sauce, but looking back we were just THAT bad. But the balls he would hit, AS A FRESHMAN, were fucking LAZERS. Our third baseman basically played a shallow left field for the entire series. He actually homered to left center in one instance, they bat around to get to him again, and he hits a fucking moonshot to left that goes foul by maybe half a foot. Dude almost went yack twice in one inning on us. He was a monster, and he wasn't done with his first season of college ball. I could say that he effectively ruined any hope I had of continuing my baseball career, witnessing someone that far advanced. It didn't make me want to work harder, it actually depressed me enough to know I couldn't get to that level. So basically him doing steroids crushed my hopes and dreams, maybe I can sue him for psychologically ruining my future? I mean he still gets paid that $105M extension, so why not right?

So much for that 60 to 70 home runs though, geez. Way to totally overshoot your projections Yahoo, maybe tone it down and this wouldn't look so bad. You hit 33 on the sauce. Shit so if he doesn't juice what does he have in him, 16? 17 HR's? Seriously how do you say all that shit and at the same time you're pulling a syringe our of your ass? What kind of balls does that take? Just completely judging another major leaguer and making him out to be an asshole yet you're doing the same shit yourself? Not a good look bro.

PS - When are they just going to legalize steroids? Honestly. Fuck it, all drugs. Look I'm not a druggy, I don't like them, just not my bag rather just stick to getting drunk and forgetting the dumb shit I did the night before, but this whole hiding it thing is tired. Just legalize it and less people would do the shit, it's the whole rebel thing. That's the only reason people do it, because they're not supposed to. "Oh wahhh daddy hates me, I'm gonna go blow lines until he buys me my BMW for my sweet 16 to show me he cares WAHHHH!!"

Pujols Makes Up His Mind And Like We Thought Goes To Anaheim - Wait What?

ESPN -- Albert Pujols has agreed to a 10-year, $250 million deal with the Los Angeles Angels, sources told ESPN The Magazine's Buster Olney on Thursday. The deal includes a full no-trade clause, which Pujols had been seeking and may have been a sticking point in his negotiations with the Miami Marlins. Pujols had turned down an offer from the Cardinals, the only team he has ever played for, about a year ago, but St. Louis was still in the bidding as of Wednesday. Sources told ESPN.com's Jayson Stark that the Angels jumped into the bidding late Wednesday. The Marlins moved on to pursue free agent pitchers Mark Buehrle (who agreed to terms Wednesday, pending a physical) and C.J. Wilson. But despite the Marlins' exit from the bidding Wednesday night, sources said negotiations with the Cardinals hadn't progressed to the point where Pujols was close to agreeing to a deal. The Cardinals had planned to talk with Pujols' agent one more time Thursday before heading home. But sources told Olney that the Cardinals' latest offer was for nine years and a little less than $200 million. That would have made him the fourth-highest paid first baseman.

Ummmm sorry St. Louis but I'm not sorry. You want to keep Babe Ruth on your team, you don't make him the fourth-highest paid first baseman, no sir. I'd LeBron your ass too if you offered me that, like a slap in the face. But this news definitely sucks, Angels are already the Yankees nemesis especially in the post-season - now we gotta deal with this fucking guy? Honestly thought we were safe here, but just an absolute power move by the Angels. They swoop in the last minute and just drop a Flex on 'em and boom deal is done. Albert asked for specifics, you give him specifics. That's how you catch the big catch, give the man what he wants. When you're negotiating over $200 million and you get held up on trade clauses in the contract you're an idiot. At that point you just hand it all over and make sure the deal is signed. Angels now have the best hitter in the game. Sucks that half way through his contract he'll be a DH and an absolute drain on your cap, but whatever.

PS - Love the moves the Marlins are making, "Hey Pujols you got until Wednesday to make up your mind. Still don't know? We're out." Love that. Won't even be bullied by the best player in the game.

Twiglight Zone: Tim McGarver Is Being Recognized By The Baseball Hall Of Fame For Broadcast Excellence

Have you ever heard anything so out of this world? Anyone who's watched baseball at some point in their lives have had to put up with this fucking idiot on a broadcast - I've literally muted the TV and put on the radio to listen to Suzyn Waldman before, that should put into perspective what I'm talking about. My biggest gripe with McCarver is that he talks to talk. I know people who have issues with Joe Buck, I don't. He shuts up when nothing needs to be said, he's quick, says what he needs to, then stops. McCarver on the other hand loves to just vomit shit right into the microphone almost like he's guaranteed not to face any repercussion of any kind. He constantly gives the wrong information, wrong quotes, and pronounces names and even teams incorrectly. My biggest issue is the pitch "guessing". Unlike umpires and players that see the pitch in real time and still can accurately tell you what was thrown, McCarver has the benefit of "SUPER SLO-MO REPLAY" and countless angles, but will STILL tell the viewing audience that the 12-6 78-mph curveball was a two-seam fastball. And he won't stop. He's one of those people who, if he's caught lying, will lie even more to get out of the other lie. He'll either be told he's wrong or realize it, but will just carry on about the same pitch like he was 100% correct when the replays are looping the same curveball dropping into the dirt 8 times in a row while he compliments Sabathia on his great two-seam movement. This guy being recognized by the Hall of Fame makes me feel how Rudy's brothers felt when he made the Notre Dame Football team: "If you are a part of that team, then my opinion of The Hall of Fame just hit the shits."

Bobby Valentine Says He Hates The Yankees. Yawn.





ESPN -- Not wasting a moment to spice up the rivalry, new Boston Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine declared Wednesday how he feels about the New York Yankees. "I hate the Yankees," Valentine said while surrounded by a herd of media members at the Winter Meetings. "I don't want to waste this valuable time talking about the Yankees. This is too valuable." On Tuesday, Yankees manager Joe Girardi was asked what Valentine's presence would mean to the rivalry and was a little more diplomatic. "Bobby adds some spunk to his clubs," Girardi said. "No doubt about it. I didn't get to witness him first-hand a lot. But Bobby's been successful wherever he has went. It should be exciting." According to one major league public relations official, the media pack around Valentine was the largest one they had ever had for one of these sessions. Valentine's force of personality is one of the things he brings to the rivalry, making it different than when Terry Francona was the Red Sox manager. Valentine always makes people pay attention. He has already started the countdown to when the two teams first meet in the regular season, Friday, April 20, at Fenway Park.

You know what, Bobby? Learn to talk about the Yankees, they're the division champs - you're going to have to deal with them a little bit here and there, gonna be a lot a questions all season about if you're ever going to catch them in the standings. I'm so bored with this because it's so predictable, just typical Red Sox playbook. Immediately try and insult the Yankees, the classiest and greatest winning organization in sports history. Love the hiring of the biggest name out there even if all your players fucking hate him, why should they be happy anyway they're just the ones who do all the work and the same ones you depend on to win you games, no big deal. Hire a guy who's such a great manager that he spent the last decade in Japan and working for ESPN because he couldn't find work in the Major Leagues. 2012 should be fun. Way to try and fit in, Bob, the "I hate the Yankees" line is so fake and scripted at this point it doesn't even matter. It's like breathing in that city, people say that shit when they wake up. I don't even blame them - 27 World Series in NY and about the same number of epic fail collapses in Boston. I'd probably be waking up saying "I hate the Yankees - Ughhh what time is it I don't wanna go to school". It's like an involuntary twitch up there.

PS - Love how he has a countdown to the first time they play NY, meanwhile the Yankees are counting down to opening day in Tampa against the real AL East competition and focused on defending their AL East Division Title.

Miami Marlins Might Be The Best Team In Baseball Before They Sign Pujols And The Mets May Be The Worst Run Franchise Of All-Time

ESPN - The Miami Marlins and shortstop Jose Reyes agreed to terms on a six-year, $106 million deal Sunday, sources have told ESPN. The guarantee for the first six years totals $102 million, sources said. The deal includes a $22 million option for a seventh year, with a guaranteed $4 million. Reyes, 28, is coming off the best year in his career. He hit .337 for the New York Mets to win his first batting title. In nine years, all with the Mets, he has batted .292 with 370 steals and 740 runs scored. Earlier in the offseason, Miami offered Reyes a six-year, $90 million deal, which he rejected. Reyes' signing would mean the Marlins' All-Star shortstop, Hanley Ramirez, will have to change positions. Publicly, the Marlins are saying they haven't decided whether Ramirez would move to third base or center field. However, one source close to Ramirez told ESPN.com that Ramirez already has agreed to move to third base next spring.

I touched on this a little less than a month ago about how pathetic this would make the Mets look and somehow it's still surprising how bad they look right now. In return for losing Reyes, they get a 3rd round pick. That's absurd. How Sandy Alderson still has a job is mind boggling. I can't believe Bud Selig hasn't stepped in to take over the Mets franchise. It's almost like no one is running the team. Being friends with all Mets fans, it's sort of painful to watch this. Like I've said before, I could care less about the Mets and always find their mishaps absolutely hilarious - but this one takes it. I can't wrap my brain around it. A division rival just stole your franchise's best player and didn't even have to fight you for it. It's not even like they broke in middle of the night and stole him. They kind of just walked in, took his hand and walked out the door while staring you right in the face. Just mind boggling stuff. Miami is now trotting out a lineup with only 2 players who will be 30 years old on opening day (John Buck will be the oldest at 31). Two of the past three batting champions will now anchor the left side of the infield, and you have an absolute monster ace in Josh Johnson. As for the Marlins, they somehow always bounce back from the usual firesale of their roster with an unbelievably cheap, young cast of guys. Amazing way to run a franchise, maybe the Mets should take some notes....

Ever See A Little Asian Dude Shit His Pants?

(Skip to 26 sec mark)


TONY BATISTA'S STILL GOT IT! If anyone wanted ever doubted the United States still owned the earth and thought maybe Japan had caught up and taken over can remove all doubt right now. I can't think of anything more respectful than someone doing a 180 and sprinting the other way when you charge at them. That was such a fucking boss move I can't even stand it, my jaw dropped to the floor. Not so much even the guy running away, but the fact Batista was able to keep a stone cold straight face the entire time. The jog to first, and while he was standing there with everyone laughing including the pitcher, both benches, the guys teammates in the field, the fucking announcers. Everyone was just speechless. If I'm the Yankees I'm signing Tony Batista immediately. Can't teach that kind of presence on the field.

Anna Benson Is Back

ESPN - Anna Benson, the wife of former Mets pitcher Kris, is currently taping segments of a new VH1 show entitled, "Baseball Wives," the Post reports. According to the report, the show is currently filming in Scottsdale, Ariz., and also includes the wives of Matt Williams and Ron Villone and the ex-wives of Jason Kendall and Mark Grace. “We are not like the ‘Basketball Wives,’ ” Benson told the Post. “We are classy.” Kris last pitched in the majors in 2010, when he made three appearances for the Arizona Diamondbacks.


Great, more of this attention whore. I don't know if I've ever seen a wife more famous than a Major Leaguer, but Kris Benson really was just that bad. Not only was he really shitty, but he had ZERO personality. It's almost like he never existed at all. No one would remember this guy if his slut wife didn't run around naked and picking fights with people because Kris was a pussy.

And what's with this show? "Baseball Wives"? Shouldn't their husbands actually be playing baseball? And shouldn't a prerequisite be that they're married to a major leaguer? Look at the garbage lineup they put together for this show: Anna Benson (husband sucked and no longer plays), Tanya Grace (not even married to Mark Grace anymore plus he's been retired about 33 years), Chantel Kendall (no longer married to Jason Kendall) and Brooke Villone (oh still married to Ron Villone the journeyman left handed specialist). Seriously, that's all they could get? Yeah can't wait to tune into the lives of gold digging women who fucked up and married the most unattractive untalented baseball players. Should make for awesome TV not.

PS - Anna Benson, you're classy?

1992 called they want their barbwire tattoo back. Boom roasted.

Houston, You Have a Problem: Intellectually Challenged Fans

A little background: the Houston Astros are currently being sold to a new owner. As part of the deal, the new owners are asking for a $70 million discount on the purchase price because the team will be moved to the American League West. Where they came up with this number is beyond me.

An informal Houston Chronicle online poll last month showed 76 percent of the respondents opposing a league change, with 35 percent vowing to sever their allegiance if the Astros were to join the AL.

A formal offline poll that I just conducted confirmed that 76 percent of Houston residents are fucking idiots, while 35% are officially retarded.

Ok, let me lay out the options here.  You can either be in a division with:

A)     Six teams where only one team is guaranteed to make the playoffs, or

B)      Five teams where only one team is guaranteed to make the playoffs

76% of Astros fans would prefer A, apparently.

Would you like to see your team in the playoffs 16.6% of the time or 20% of the time? Yea, I’m good with 16.6%, thanks for asking.  

God, I’m glad I live in Vegas.

Reyes Deal Imminent

Can't wait to be a part of the rebuilding process.

ESPN - Ken Rosenthal reports that the Marlins' offer to Reyes is for $90 million over six years. If that is indeed the starting point, then the Mets can forget about Reyes returning to Queens, tweets Adam Rubin of ESPNNew York.com. At that figure, the Mets would turn to Ruben Tejada as their starting shortstop for 2012. Amid all the speculation that Jose Reyes thoroughly enjoyed last week?s recruiting trip on South Beach, Mets general manager Sandy Alderson insists he has not dropped out of the sweepstakes for the free agent shortstop. Alderson tells Andy Martino of the NY Daily News he has remained in contact with Reyes' representatives since the shortstop began flirting with other teams, and he does not expect a fast resolution. Meanwhile, Brewers GM Doug Melvin revealed Monday that he has spoken to Reyes' camp once by phone but has not decided if he plans a full-court press for the shortstop. The Marlins apparently have made made Reyes a high priority and several reports suggest the two sides are close to a deal. Joe Capozzi of the Palm Beach Post cautions, however, that there is no agreement. Joel Sherman chimed in Monday afternoon via Twitter to note that an executive he spoke to says Reyes will not sign for anything less than $100 million.

The Mets are so pathetic it makes me embarassed to be from NY. I don't even like the Mets but this bothers me, makes us look like a bunch of pussies. Why couldn't they move this shitty franchise out to California? Bring the Dodgers back to the BK - looks like both franchises could use a little change in scenery.

Engrave The 2012 Gold Glove Award

ESPN - While some thought Brett Gardner should have won the Gold Glove over the Royals' Alex Gordon, Gardner thought he could have done more. "It is what it is," Gardner said. "It is obviously something I would have been very excited about. I'll be honest with you, there are things I could have done to be a little bit better last year on that side of the ball. I made a few mistakes that were careless that I shouldn't have made." Gardner said his four errors were the most he has "ever" had. Gardner said he will resume workouts soon, but thus far has been trying to enjoy his time off. "It is one of those things, I wasn't expecting to come home this early so I just tried to enjoy some time off, relax and get ready to get started for next year," said Gardner.

If I put together the season Brett Gardner did in the outfield in 2011, I'd be going batshit crazy that there were no arrests made after I got robbed of the Gold Glove award. But I'm not as classy as Brett Gardner, dude is pissed but instead of flipping shit he decides he's just going to get better. Is that even possible? He already covers the most ground in the major leagues with the highest Zone Rating and was tied for the league lead in Defensive Runs Saved with 20. Can the Yankees just use 5 infielders and leave him in left center and Granderson in right center? Makes sense right? This guy is a beast in the outfield, and with all the shit that went on with Alex Gordon inexplicably winning the award so Kansas City didn't complain and finally quit Major League Baseball since they never win anything - I expect the next 10 years to see a Gold Glove with this guys name on it.

Marlins Close To Executing Power Move #1 - Kicking The Mets While They're Down After A Timeout Was Called Then Banging The Mets Mom And Sister

ESPN - ESPN Insider Buster Olney expects the Miami Marlins to sign Jose Reyes.

Money quote: "There is an expectation they will work something out with Reyes for something in the range of five years, $18-20M a year. They are seen as the team that's going to be most aggressive and he certainly fits the style that Ozzie Guillen loves to play. He loves to have a team that runs the bases aggressively, puts pressure on opposing defenses. Reyes would be a centerpiece for that with Hanley Ramirez moving to another position."

Mets fans, how do you feel about the prospect of seeing Reyes come back to Queens in a garish Miami uniform? Can a New York team ever justify losing a star player to a team from a smaller market, and what, if anything, should be done about it?

What a dick Buster Olney is. I'm not even a Mets fan and I feel like he just slapped me in the face. Hey Mets fans, how do you feel about this? How do you expect them to feel about this?? A pussy divisional team with no money is about to outwork you for your best player in free agency?? What kind of pussies do the Mets have in the front office? Seriously how does this happen? How does even the idea of him MAYBE signing with a divisional opponent or ANYONE ELSE for that matter even come up?? How have the Mets not made a substantial enough offer to retain it's only good player?? This is just wild to me, the Yankees might overpay for their guys, but they don't let them walk. No fucking way. That's how you win in this league, gotta be the bully - not the pussy. The Mets are absolutely the pussy in this situation if you didn't get that from this blog.

Marlins Making Absolute POWER Moves

ESPN - The franchise founded in 1993 as the Florida Marlins officially changed its name Friday night in a ceremony at the team's new ballpark. The Marlins also unveiled a new logo, new uniforms and new colors -- orange, blue, black and yellow. The changes emphasize the team's move from a suburban multipurpose stadium, where attendance was poor, to a cozier ballpark near downtown where crowds of more than 30,000 are expected for every game next season.

ESPN - A surprising visit by Albert Pujols sent a message: The Miami Marlins will be a much different franchise than the Florida Marlins. The notoriously thrifty franchise, suddenly in the mood for a spending spree, declined to disclose details of the contract proposal. Free agents Jose Reyes and left-hander Mark Buehrle also received offers after taking ballpark tours earlier this week. "We've never been penny-pinchers," owner Jeffrey Loria said. "We just haven't had the ability to do it in the old stadium. Now we're looking forward to a new era." The 31-year-old Pujols, a three-time NL MVP, is a free agent for the first time after spending his first 11 major league seasons with St. Louis. Pujols and the Cardinals didn't discuss a contract extension during the season, which ended with a World Series title, but he hasn't ruled out remaining in St. Louis. "We're just going to see where God takes us," Pujols said last week.

Wasn't it just the other day the Marlins were playing in front of 29 fans? Well looks like they're finally tired of being an absolute joke. How'd they get a new stadium by the way? I'm so confused by the Marlins - how'd they even convince Reyes and Pujols to visit Miami? I'll tell you what, if they pull a Miami Heat this will be fucking amazing. It will flip baseball on it's fucking head. Phillies sitting here thinking they made a splash signing a washed up dirtbag closer and thinking they got the division wrapped up again and here come the Marlins going all Latino in everyones face offering monster deals to the top free agents on the market. I love it, absolute monster power moves. These little Latino's mean business right now. Lost in all of this is how Reyes is no longer a New York Met and the team is officially back to rebuilding. Mets had a nice ride for about three years earlier this millennium when their fans actually believed they'd make the playoffs, now it's back to the drawing board - Hey Mets see you in 2030, maybe. Ahhh, being a Yankees fan is so easy.

The Other Side Of The Story Last Night

Blood leads off newscasts for a reason, people love seeing that shit. People love seeing failure, makes the feel better about themselves - That's why so much focus is being shifted to the Braves but mostly the Red Sox because they were such heavy favorites to win... Time to give credit where credit is due and that's to the St. Louis Cardinals and the Tampa Bay Rays.

St. Louis Cardinals

Before their game on September 6th, the Cardinals were 8.5 games out of the Wild Card and also out of first in their division. They reeled off 12 wins in their next 14 games and going 16-5 overall during that stretch. Combine that with the Braves collapse and you've got one of the best comebacks of all-time.

Tampa Bay Rays

The Rays found themselves down 9 games to the Red Sox for the Wild Card on Labor Day Weekend. They didn't give up which is a testament to manager Joe Maddon who always has this team hungry. They looked like they were on a mission the entire month of September, while the Red Sox looked like they couldn't be less interested if they tried. Even though the Rays have about 438 fans, they played inspired throughout the month and it earned them a trip to the postseason after coming back from a 7-0 deficit in the 8th inning to the Yankees last night. It didn't matter if they won as it turned out, but the walk-off HR will be remembered by a long time by all those 438 fans, or at least the half of them that stayed for the rest of the game.

Reaction To Twitter Reactions About Last Night

Actually didn't know that. But wait, what about Joe Carter? Aaron Boon? I'm guessing he means clinching a postseason spot..

That's right.

Does Perdroia know how many games are in a MLB season? I thought at first maybe he was on the DL this year and he was trying to be precise, no he played in 159 out of the standard 162 games - must've been the emotions of being part of the biggest choke in sports history getting the best of him.

Papelbon, I see what you're doing - saying fatigue is an issue is looking for an excuse.... But then saying everyone is fatigued. Okay.

Crawford, whether your team made the playoffs or not, you didn't help. You would've felt shitty either way so don't worry about it.

Good call with Papelbon DEALING. Maybe a little early for that tweet, though, your boy Pap pretty much vomitted on the mound right after you posted that.

Can't argue with the Crawford thing, though. Pretty accurate I'd assume.

Last Day Of The MLB Season Was Better Than The Playoffs Could Ever Dream Of Being

I don't know really how to put into perspective what happened last night. But I'll try....

There are a ton of collapses we could look at, so we're going to do that and see if we can try and compute in our heads how rare, insane and incredible last night was when looking at the history of Major League Baseball. Plenty of people have "collapses" ranked, but I don't see them ranked correctly whatsoever so I'm going to put mine up here. I'm going to stick to straight September collapses, because they're definitely the best.

5 - The 1987 Toronto Blue Jays. Toronto held a 3.5 game lead on the second to last Sunday of the season and were up 1-0 in the ninth inning on the Detroit Tigers. Detroit tied the game (Kirk Gibson homered of course) and ended up winning in 13. The Blue Jays tanked and lost every single game the rest of the year. Detroit swept them to end the season with three straight 1-run victories. Toronto finished 2 games back. I don't know about you, but that has to be one of the most demoralizing collapses ever. Losing by 1 run three straight times to get knocked out of the playoffs is cruel.

4 - The 2009 Detroit Tigers. Detroit held first place in the division from May 10th until the end of the season. They held a 3 game lead over the Minnesota Twins with 4 games to play. They lost to the Twins then lost two out of three to the White Sox to end the season. They had a one game playoff against the Twins in Minnesota which the Twins won in 12 innings in an absolute classic game to complete the epic collapse. The Tigers are the only team in history to blow a 3 game lead with 4 left to play.

3 - The 2007 New York Mets. The Mets led by 7 games on September 12th. A roller coaster ensued with the Mets losing five in a row, winning 4 out of 5, then losing their last 6 out of 7 games to finish one game behind the Phillies. The back breaker was on the final day of the season, when Tom Glavine came out and gave a clutch performance against the Marlins by giving up 7 earned runs in one-third of an inning.

2 - The 1964 Philadelphia Phillies. The ultimate collapse in the sports history belongs to the 1964 Phillies. They were the gold standard for this type of scenario, here's what theirs looked like: Phillies were in 1st place by 6.5 games with 12 games remaining. They lost their next 10 games and finished in a tie for second place in the National League, the Cardinals swept them in a crucial three game series, took over first place and eventually won the World Series.

With all those being brought to light, and you having them fresh in your mind - we witness two teams fall apart even worse within the last 4 weeks of this season.

1a - The 2011 Atlanta Braves. The Braves were 8.5 games up on the St. Louis Cardinals on September 6th. They were swept by the Cardinals in St. Louis which didn't seem like much at the time. Last Friday, on September 23rd, with a win over the Nationals the Braves were still up 3 games with only 5 to go. They lost all five, and were beat by the Phillies in 13 innings last night to knock them out of the playoffs. More than likely done in by the Joe Torre method of using your relievers every single game of the season, the bullpen was the main cause of this collapse, strong all season - but couldn't finish a game when it mattered most, blowing a 9th inning lead again in the last game of the season.

1 - The 2011 Boston Red Sox. Nothing really gives me more joy than writing this little recap. Maybe the curse is back? The Red Sox, in the race for the division, took 2 out of 3 from the Yankees and actually led on September 1st by half a game. They had a 9 game lead on the Tampa Rays for the Wild Card. They then went 7-19 to finish the season and ended up 7 games back of the Yankees. In September the Red Sox went 1-6 against the Rays and 1-4 against the Yankees. They had a favorable schedule down the stretch with 7 out of their last 10 games against the Orioles, and went 2-5 against them.

It was a collapse unlike baseball has ever seen. And it got two of them, on the same night. The Braves had to go into extra innings, and the Red Sox endured a rain delay - yet, the Braves and Red Sox were both eliminated from the playoffs within 22 minutes of each other. It was a night baseball fans will remember for as long as they live, and they should - because they'll never see anything like it again.

Enough With This Bartman Shit

ESPN - Who's to blame for the public's obsession with the Bartman ball depends on whom you ask. There are those who point the finger at Alou for creating an air of negativity with his temper tantrum. There are those who wonder whether Bartman is to blame, whether his silence all these years has actually turned the story into a bigger saga than it deserves to be. And there are those who criticize the media, saying they're the ones to blame for everything from outing Bartman to never letting the story go.

Seriously, who gives a shit? The Cubs will literally blame anything for being the biggest choke artists of all-time. A fucking goat? Really? I hate the Red Sox but I respect them for not blaming a billion years of losing on a goat or some nerd who tried to catch a foul ball. They blamed it on the Curse of the Bambino, and believe me that was shit was as real as it gets. It's not like that foul ball he tried to catch was ending the game, or had any implications on the outcome whatsoever. The Cubs were up 3-0 with 1 out in the 8th. End the fucking game yourself. You don't need help from Steve Bartman. Maybe if Alex Gonzalez can catch a ground ball that would've ended the inning, they wouldn't have given up 8 runs. I wanna know how this nerd caught so much shit for this, and Alex Gonzalez is cool to walk into Wrigley with no problems. Dude literally lost the game for them, but that doesn't matter - Cubs don't care, their delusional fans don't care - it's like they want to keep losing so everyone feels bad for them or something. And even after all this shit, they played Game 7 and still couldn't get it done. So don't fucking give me this shit that this guy who went after a foul ball with 9 other people around him doing the same thing was the one who lost you a shot at the World Series. You lost your own shot. Suckers.

PS - Moises Alou nice temper tantrum asshole.

Red Sox Continue To Impress

ESPN - The Red Sox found another way to lose, this time on a broken-bat single and an inside-the-park homer, and their 6-3 defeat against the Baltimore Orioles on Monday night dropped them into a tie in the AL wild-card race.


Boston's 17th loss in 22 games enabled Tampa Bay to pull even in the duel for the league's final playoff spot. The Rays, who beat the New York Yankees 5-2, trailed by nine games after play on Sept. 3.


The Red Sox had either stood atop the AL East or led the wild-card race every day since before play on May 24.

Is there any possible way to put this into perspective? Anyone else realize we're witnessing baseball history here? The 2007 Mets were bad, but this is bad. The Red Sox have lost 19 of their last 25 games, that's fucking impossible. Sure they can still make the playoffs, but what are the odds of that happening? They need to win two in a row and they haven't done that since last month. They were up 9 fucking games on Labor Day and are now tied for the Wild Card. Anyone watching the Yankees/Rays game last night noticed two things - the Yankees don't give a shit and are rolling our all their September call ups and Phil Hughes, and that the Rays just fucking want it. They're busting their ass all over the field just to eek out a win over the AA Yankees. I don't give a shit what scenario is better for the Yankees going into the postseason, I just want to see this collapse be completed. I feel bad for the Mets, kind of need someone to take the title of biggest choke artists of all-time so they can move on with their lives.

John Lackey Sucks Because Of A Text Message

ESPN - Asked by Michael Silverman of the Boston Herald, "How do you think you pitched," Lackey veered off topic in a big way.


"Let me tell you the truth," Lackey said. "Thirty minutes before the game I got a text message on my cell phone from one of you, somebody in the media, talking about personal stuff. I shouldn't even have to be standing up here dealing with it.


"I'm sitting here, listening to music. I don't know who got my phone number, but that's over the line.


Last winter, it was reported that Lackey's wife, Krista, was undergoing treatment for breast cancer, and after a particularly rough start in May, Lackey blurted, "Everything in my life sucks right now."


Before meeting with reporters Sunday night, Lackey had a brief but animated discussion with a club official about the text message and how his phone number had gotten out. There were indications Sunday night that a celebrity/gossip website had sent him the text message, but that could not be confirmed. The website TMZ subsequently published an item about Lackey's marriage on Monday morning at 3:55 a.m. ET.


When asked if he suspected anyone standing in front of him, Lackey said, "I'll find out."


He also was asked if the text message had distracted him on the mound.


"I don't believe I've got to deal with this," he said.


Even after the interview broke up, Lackey continued to rage. "I can't believe … Any of you who would get into that is going to have a serious problem."


What a jerk this guy is. Your team is in the middle of the worst collapse baseball has ever seen and you just scratch and claw your way to a 14 inning win because the Yankees got tired and bored and wanted to sleep before going to Tampa and only thing you can do is talk about yourself. If I'm this ugly asshole the very last thing I'd ever want to do is talk about myself. I'm one of the ugliest humans on earth, I sound like I have phlegm for days and I have an ERA of a bazillion. I feel so fucking sorry for you and your multi million dollar bank account because you're such a sensitive human being and all, you must have it so rough playing baseball for a living. I get a hundred texts a day and none of them make me pitch like shit so I don't wanna hear it.

Leo Nunez Suspended For Not Being Leo Nunez - Promptly Deported

Miami Herald - Closer Leo Nunez has been placed on Major League Baseball’s restricted list and was suspended by the Marlins for undisclosed reasons for the remainder of the season, a source told The Miami Herald on Thursday.

A person familiar with Nunez’s immigration status, however, said the reliever has been playing under an assumed name, and the issue has prompted him to return to his native Dominican Republic. Nunez might have been aware of the issue as far back as July, the source told The Herald.

“I can’t yet comment,” said Nunez’s agent, Andy Mota. “This is very recent. I don’t want to say anything at all.”


A source told The Associated Press that Nunez’s real name is Juan Carlos Oviedo, and he is 29, a year older than listed in the Marlins’ media guide.


A baseball source said that in order for Nunez to be reinstated from the restricted list he must clear up an immigration issue that apparently has to do with missing paperwork.

So Nunez might have known about the issue as far back as July? I don't know but don't you think he was aware of the issue the minute he started calling himself Leo Nunez? Usually when I refer to myself as someone completely different I find out about it right then. But I don't actually blame him for saying he's younger than he is because I have a hunch he honestly has no clue when he was born, but to be only a year off is pretty impressive. Not sure I see what the punishment here is, he's getting a paid vacation back to the Dominican while his team rounds out the season playing in front of 49 rabid die hard Marlins fans? Then all he has to do is find that missing paperwork, you know, that one paper with his name on it, and he's back. No big deal.