Chunk Gets His Parents To Redesign Their Home To Fit Santa's Fat Ass Down The Chimney

Reuters - A worried letter from six-year old Leo Park sparked a mammoth operation to test what is believed to be the world's first chimney specifically designed to accommodate Santa Claus. The little boy's parents are having a house custom built and when Leo viewed the plans he was concerned that the chimney wasn't big enough for Father Christmas and his famous belly that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. As he was penning his traditional letter to Santa, Leo decided to also write a heartfelt missive about the chimney design problem to Jeremy Paxton, who owns the estate on which the new house is being built. In childish scrawl the letter reads: "Dear Mr Paxton, I am worried that my mummy's house does not have a big enough chimney. I think Santa Claus will get stuck. Please can you help. Love Leo Park." Paxton, founder and owner of luxury holiday home development Lower Mill Estate in the southwestern English region of the Cotswolds decided to commission a special formula to satisfy Leo's concerns. Obviously size was the key consideration to ensure Santa won't get wedged tight on his way to stuffing the stockings and so Paxton enlisted a mathematician to take on the challenge and save the jolly old elf from turning red for the wrong reasons. The Santa-friendly formula looked at risk factors of chimney entry, the size of St Nick's girth versus the width of the chimney at its narrowest point. To test what they said was the perfect chimney, Paxton enlisted the help of a stand-in Santa Claus in full padded outfit, a crane, a harness and winch to put the new chimney through its paces. Leo was invited to watch as the great experiment got underway. "Go on Santa" he shouted out as the faux Father Christmas was lifted into the air towards the chimney. A few seconds later and Santa was successfully lowered into the chimney of the half-built house, re-emerging shortly after to deliver a hearty: "Ho Ho Ho." "I can guarantee that this chimney is big enough for Santa and all the presents," he told Leo. An excited Leo gave a thumbs up to the St. Nicholas impersonator and rushed to hug him. "I'm absolutely delighted not just that Santa fitted into the chimney, but that that little boy, Leo, said to me: 'That was the best day of my life' which made the whole thing worthwhile," said Paxton. The Park family won't be able to inhabit their new holiday home until next December, just in time to get the milk and biscuits ready for their very special Yuletide visitor.

Look at this fat little bastard with his thumbs up like a dickhead. Hey buddy, Santa might not come this year, looks like you've been a little naughty with your nutrition. Maybe take it easy on the milk and cookies because you won't be fitting down that chimney anytime soon if you keep it up. I thought all these idiots from the UK were skinny? Don't they just shit on the US for being fat and eating all this crap and how all they do is drink tea and eat crackers and shit? Well take a look in the mirror you smug assholes - your kids are fat. And they still believe in Santa at 6 years old. This kid still in diapers, too? How about these fucking parents, huh? Oh sure son, we'll remodel our entire house so you can keep up this fantasy that some fat guy in a red suit flies around the world in 20 minutes and gives gifts to everyone on earth except people in North Korea. Kid was just set up for failure in life, thinking all he has to do is write a letter about how sad he'll be when a fictional character can't fit down a hypothetical chimney, it's okay though, everyone will stop what they're doing to make sure your fatso ass stays jolly.

'Tis The Season To Be A Dickhead

You know how you become a dickhead during the holidays? By decorating your house like a dickhead. Shit really grinds my gears. If you're gonna decorate, do it right. None of this half ass nonsense. Here's my list of the top 5 dickhead Christmas decoration moves that have been committed within two blocks of my apartment:

1) Putting ornaments on a tree outside. What the hell is that? This tree has no business even being considered to be decorated, and you put ornaments on it? We're outside, ornaments go on the tree inside, just a dickhead move across the board.



2) This one has a plethora of issues, this is an absolute clusterfuck of decorations. My main problem besides absolutely everything not matching is the over-run. Left window, what is going on there? We didn't want to take that around the bottom of the window? Just let it run off to the left onto a fence for 3 feet? There's a-whole-nother half of this house that might be worse, but this is just atrocious. Taking whatever lights they have and throwing them on the first thing they see. Look at that tree. Half and half lights? Tree looks retarded.

3) Here we go, might be my number one pet peeve of all time.... Inflatable decorations. What a disaster. Small lights mixed with big lights, an inflatable white trash Santa, and the over-run from the top window with lights just spilling everywhere then making a 90 degree turn. Blue lights, too - there's definitely some sort of wanted fugitive living here.

4) Sweet wire lights, bro. We trying to land a 747 into your living room? What's with the red, white and blue door decoration? July 4th in the middle of winter? Get real. This house also had music going through that nuclear lit snowman that would do nothing but make me vandalize the shit out of this house if I was their neighbor.

5) Putting your lights on a tree like this is just slapping Christmas right in the face. This is like F- effort. I'm surprised they even untangled the lights to put them on and they didn't just plug them in and throw a ball of wire in there. If I'm this tree, I'm pissed. This tree is perfect for lights unlike example 1, it deserves to be wrapped generously round and round and be lit for all the world to enjoy. This just cuts deep to see a tree so defenseless from asshole light hangers.