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Sunday, January 29, 2012

I Used To Respect WebMD

Then I realized they sanctioned, and likely paid for, a study into the sugar content of children's cereal:

Thanks Kathleen and Louise. You really cracked the case here. Incredible field investigation on your part. Way to use your medical degree for something useful Louise. Your colleagues, parents, and friends must be so proud right now.

Who would have ever though something aimed for consumption by children would have SUGAR in it?

Amazing.

WebMD, if you are reading this and looking to hire your next Pulitzer Award Winner, I would love to study the effects alcohol has on kidneys if you'll pay me the same amount you paid to the Kathleen and Louise.

Next time I need medical advice, there is zero chance I'm using WebMD.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Giants. Patriots. Super Bowl. Eli Better Than Brady?


Who would have thought Week 9 was a preview of Super Bowl XLVI, huh? Sure, record wise you would think two 5-2 teams was a good match-up, but the Patriots hadn't beaten anyone with a winning record and the Giants first half schedule was as easy as it gets and also included losses to the Redskins and Seahawks. Well they were both different teams back then, Patriots still figuring things out coming off a loss to Pittsburgh and the Giants having huge problems both running the ball and stopping the run. Another problem for the Giants at the mid-way point was that they hadn't had a consistent pass rush because of injuries to Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck, leaving Jason Pierre-Paul to fend for himself - had it not been for his overly rapid development, who knows where the Giants would be right now.

The Giants won the game 24-20 on another Eli Manning game winning touchdown drive, which I'm sure Pats fans are sick of seeing by now. They also did it without starting RB Ahmad Bradshaw and #1 WR Hakeem Nicks. The Patriots could have folded up shop, but instead reeled off 10 straight wins. The Giants, lost 5 of their next 6 games before catching fire flames when it counted, including narrow losses to the last two teams they knocked out of the playoffs. Giants entered that game in Foxboro 9 point underdogs, they'll enter the Super Bowl somewhere in the range of 3 point dogs.

The Patriots are finding different ways to win each week. At the start of the season, it was Tom Brady looking like he was going to throw for 10,000 yards and another 50 TD's and the offense was going to be 2007 all over again. Rob Gronkowski (the greatest 6th round fantasy draft pick of all-time, fuck it though because my team still missed the playoffs thanks Darren McFadden, never mind) decided to put together one of the nope actually THE greatest season for a TE in the history of the game. Guy was an absolute machine, straight up uncoverable. Giants won in Week 9 yet Gronk put up 8 catches for 101 yards and a touchdown. That's about the best you could hope for against him. Once teams keyed on Brady and the passing game, The Law Firm, Woodhead and some other no name backs started to run the ball on teams. Last week in the AFC Championship, that's exactly what they did to the Ravens. With the Ravens using mostly Nickel packages, the Pats went no huddle, not allowing the Ravens to substitute and match personnel, and the Pats ran it on a softer group than we're used to seeing. Not only did the Ravens not have the matchups they wanted, the main cogs out there (Ray Lewis, Haloti Ngata) were gassed by the non-stop movement. The mix up in game plans is what won the Pats that game, and will pose a serious challenge to a Giants defense that likes to mix up personnel along the defensive line to keep their defensive line fresh and their pass rush constant. Without them being able to sub in and out, it could render their entire defensive scheme useless.

The Giants are a completely different team than they were when these two teams met. Eli Manning has been playing at a high level all season, but has taken it even higher in this postseason. Whereas Tom Brady has looking pretty human after throwing for no touchdowns and two picks last week against the Ravens - being outplayed by Joe Flacco. The Giants are as healthy as they've been all season long, they'll have the two starters they were missing in Week 9, Bradshaw and Nicks. And their defensive line is fully healthy, which is a main reason they are where they are. The regular season stats are a bit misleading, listing the Giants 32nd out of 32 teams running the ball, averaging just under 90 yards/game. That's changed since the regular season, and Manning now has a running game to work with which makes it easier to pick apart opposing defenses. He'll be going against an uncharacteristically bad Bill Belichick defense in Indy, the Pats ranked 32nd against the pass and were just shredded by Joe Flacco. Manning will have his weapons on a turf field in a controlled environment, unlike last week in San Francisco where they dealt with dreadful field conditions and constant rain and wind. Scary to think what they can do on a speedy surface against a suspect pass defense. If this does turn into a shootout, advantage has got to go to the Giants.

Eli Manning. Guy has been an absolute monster in this postseason. Big reason? 3rd downs. In situations the Giants have faced a 3rd and 6 or longer - The Giants converted 15 of 25 times (60%). Eli in those situations? 18 of 21 (86%) for 287 yards with a TD and no INTs, calculate that out and that's good for a 134.6 QB rating.

Against Atlanta: 7/7, 113 yards.

Against Green Bay: 5/5, 79 yards.

Against San Fran: 6/9, 95 yards and a TD.

That's just fucking nuts. The guy is widely praised for being a certifiable film junky, and he shows it with his adjustments at the line. He reads the defense and goes through his progressions like he knows exactly where the defenders are going to be. That wasn't the case his first 7 seasons, this comes with experience, and he has it now. This isn't a case of him being hot, this is Eli now, this kind of performance and level of play is here for good now. There's nothing he hasn't seen in this league, and going into a game in which he's already won (against a much, much better version of the Patriots) there's no reason he doesn't have an absolute field day against their awful pass defense. The Giants don't even need the run as they proved against the extremely solid SF defense. He threw the ball 58 times in piss poor conditions while getting hit and bullied on nearly every single snap, and it never phased him. Late in the game, he stood in the pocket on a 3rd and 15 and threw a fucking laser to Mario Manningham in the end zone against an 8-man coverage for the TD. Another huge 4th quarter play to put the Giants in position to put the game into OT and put them into the Super Bowl. This guy plus a dominating pass rush should have the Patriots extremely nervous going into this game, Week 9 I said this was a terrible matchup for the Patriots, and now? It's much worse. Because calling Eli Manning "elite" is becoming borderline disrespectful.... But it's okay, he's used to it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Burger King Delivers?



Yahoo - Are you craving a Whopper but just don't want to get off of your favorite chair to run out to get it? Now you can have it your way with just a jog to your front door. Burger King, who is now No. 2 in fast food burger chains behind McDonald's, has been doing a test run in the delivery service in the Washington, D.C., area. The delivery service is a major business strategy to keep their fast food junkies happy and to keep them coming back. Now the customer can keep coming back by having the food coming directly to them. The question remains as to how burgers and fries will stay fresh and edible when they arrive at your doorstep. Burger King says that they have an answer to that question. They have developed a way of transporting their burgers. They have developed a "proprietary thermal packaging technology," says Jonathan Fitzpatrick, chief brand and operations officer for Burger King, "which ensures the Whopper is delivered hot and fresh, and the french fries are delivered hot and crispy." Fresh hot food, quick delivery and you don't even have to leave the house. What more could you ask for in a burger joint?

I call bullshit. There is absolutely ZERO percent chance those fries are hot and crispy. That's such a bag of lies I can't even stand it. I don't care what "technology" they think they have, but unless they're carrying around a fryer full of boiling oil I can't see any of that being real. Just no way a place like Burger King and its employees could give a SHIT about what your food tastes like once you get it, shit you already paid for it. You're getting a mushy soggy Whopper and room temperature rubber fries, just no way around that. But you're absolutely nutso if you don't think I'm trying this as soon as I possibly can.

Reality TV Officially Out Of Control


Huffington Post - For the four paralyzed women starring in a new reality series, the show is about pushing right through stereotypes, disappointments and career obstacles. Set to debut in April, "Push Girls" will give viewers an unscripted look into the lives of four gorgeous ladies who became disabled after enduring tragic car accidents or debilitating diseases, the Sundance Channel announced. Producers hope that by bringing the series into mainstream television, they'll demonstrate how strong people with disabilities are -- and that it's OK to look and talk about their conditions. "The indomitable spirit of this series will give viewers permission to stare at a world that they may previously have been too polite -- or too frightened -- to explore," Sarah Barnett, Sundance Channel's General Manager, said in a release.

I put this right up there with flamboyant gayness, hardcore religious freaks and people like Craig Sager - just pure attention whores - look I have no problem with you being gay and shit, just don't shove it down my throat. You ever ride the subway in NYC and see two huge lezbos with low fades, JNCO's and cut sleeve jean jackets just finger blasting the fuck out of each other while staring at you? All the time right? Like I have no problem with you "guys" doing whatever you wanna do, just don't stare at me while you're doing it like you're challenging me not to look at you or something. It's like they don't do it because they wanna finger blast each other or they like wearing really stupid outfits, they just do it for attention because they want you to watch them and then call you a pervert and make a scene, like what they're doing is completely normal... Like don't tell me how much you love God and how much I should love him, fuck outta here with that. Craig Sager, just report the fucking injuries from the locker room without wearing the entire Tommy Bahama clothing line at the same time. And if you're in a wheelchair, don't make a reality show telling me I need to pay attention to you because you're in a wheelchair. I fucking HATE when people who are disabled cry about wanting to be treated like everyone else, and then when they're treated like everyone else they fucking cry about how disabled they are. Now we need a reality TV show about people rolling around making all the rest of us depressed watching them get out of bed and shit? No thanks. This reality TV thing is way out of control, can I get a scripted make believe sitcom please???

Husband Gives Up Life Jacket To Save Wife Because She Couldn't Swim; Husband Promptly Drowns



HuffPo - He did what any husband would have done for his wife. As the Costa Concordia cruise ship went down off the west coast of Italy Jan. 13, Nicole Servel's husband, Francis, gave her the only life jacket they had, Emirates247.com reports. That was the last she saw of him. "I owe my life to my husband," Servel, 61, told the news outlet, explaining she doesn't know how to swim.

What world am I living in? Newsflash people, life isn't a Nicholas Sparks novel, when 61 year old bitches can't swim: people die. And what the hell are they talking about with this "he did what any husband would have done for his wife" nonsense? Ummm does this idiot know the divorce rate in this country? It's like 99% and 99% of that is a direct result of Facebook. I'd think that's the perfect time to act like you're trying real hard to take the vest of to give it to her but you can't seem to get the strap to loosen, you know how stubborn those things get? Then once she goes under just whistle and start looking around then paddle your ass to the Italian coast and enjoy life with no divorce filings and child support payments. Boom, done and done.

Julie Bowen Gets Absolutely Owned On The Red Carpet By Sofia Vergara; Immediately Points It Out And Jokes About It Trying To Play It Cool Means She Knows For Fact She Got Owned

Ummmm definitely does not help when you dress like a man.


Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen have plenty of experience working together on "Modern Family," which took home the Golden Globe for Best TV Comedy Suday night. But when they bumped into each other on the red carpet of the Golden Globe Awards, Bowen couldn't help but observe that standing next to her co-star wasn't exactly her most flattering look. Vergara had been telling Ryan Seacrest about her pre-awards show fitness regimen -- which involved two-a-day gym workouts and a diet of cake -- when Seacrest noticed Bowen waiting off-camera, next in line for an interview. When he called over to join them, Bowen found herself in the unenviable position of standing next to the voluptuous Vergara. Bowen had to joke about it. "My dream, always, to stand next to Sofia," she quipped. The interview got sillier from there, as Vergara worried that she wouldn't be able to walk down the stairs because her dress was so tight. As she mentioned she might have to slide down the stairs, Bowen offered to block her from the camera's view with her gown, and lifted up the bottom of it in jest. Once Vergara was off-camera, Bowen couldn't help but continue to compare herself to her co-star. "I can out-gun her any day of the week," Bowen said, flexing her biceps to prove it.

Well at least you got the bigger muscle look going for you there Jules. She can act like she's joking all she wants, but there's no denying this was 100% serious. You know no girl wants to be upstaged on camera, and when it comes to upstaging there's no one better than Sofia Vergara. She's an absolute dick wrecker when she's not even trying, so her on the red carpet with her A game? That's a wrap. It's one of those games that's won on paper, one that you can safely say doesn't even need to be played. No chance for an upset here. Julie, don't even strap up the heels tonight, just save your energy and some gas mileage and watch from the couch, take some notes. Instead of barbell curls, try some yoga and two a day treadmill sessions like your girl here.





Marky Mark Goes HAM On 9/11 Comment


Yahoo - In a recent interview with Men's Journal, Mark Wahlberg made a remark about the 9/11 attacks that could spark a considerable controversy. Wahlberg was originally scheduled to fly on one of the planes that hit the World Trade Center. Fortunately for him, he took a different flight a week earlier. When he spoke to Men's Journal about what could have been, Wahlberg remarked, "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'" Wahlberg quickly apologized for the remark. According to gossip site TMZ, he said that his comments were "irresponsible" and that "to speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention."

Tough to defend Marky here, sucks because I like the guy, but even I know sometimes things cross the line and this looks like one of those times. I'm all about 9/11 conspiracies and shit, and I still don't think we know the whole truth about it, but I'm not about to get famous and then say I would've saved thousands of people from certain death because I beat people up in movies and shit.

On the other hand, to his defense, guy was supposed to be on that plane. I don't know what kind of mental toll that must have on a person, but not like the guy has been struggling to live. He's made about $500 million since 2001 so can't really complain about him not living life to the fullest here. Seems to be the attitude he's taken, but still who knows how he deals with this shit. I don't know how I'd get over whatever kind of survivors guilt I'd have knowing I was supposed to be on a plane that hit the WTC. Just some crazy shit to have to deal with, so all in all I've gotta give some kudos to the guy for going over 10 years without saying anything public about it.

PS - If his comment "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry." wasn't straight out of Chuck Norris' mouth then I don't know what world we're living in right now. So I guess I defend Wahlberg because he obviously didn't say that, Chuck Norris did, but he did it in Mark Wahlberg's body, because Chuck Norris can do that.

Dwayne Wade Gets Free $230,000 Car Because He Can't Afford One Himself Or Anything




Yahoo - Dwyane Wade's gorgeous girlfriend, actress Gabrielle Union, threw the Miami Heat All-Star a birthday party the other day, and a local car dealership decided to one-up the actress/model by gifting the guard a McLaren valued at nearly a quarter of a million dollars. The ancient adage that the richer you become, the more free stuff you get is rolling hard and heavy in Miami these days. Counting birthday gifts as "free stuff" is a bit of a stretch, but counting a McLaren MP4-12C as a "birthday gift" is nearly as big a stretch. It was a stretch to even deliver the car into the party, as the dealership awarding the exotic, 592-brake horsepower machine had to deliver the automobile in by crane as it couldn't be driven through the hotel hosting Wade's party. Good thing, because the McLaren can get to 60 mph in just 3.2 seconds on its way toward reaching a top speed of 205 mph. Of course, Edmunds points out that the McLaren is "not as visceral as other exotic" cars, so let's not get too jealous of D-Wade just yet, you guys. A picture of Wade with the car, and a video review of the McLaren follows after the jump.

What's the point of this? Does Wade even care he got this? Edmunds.com even pointed out how unimpressive the thing is, so you think Wade who could legit buy 67 of these based on his salary this season is remotely interested in getting this car? Absolutely not. So what's the motive here? The dealership trying to suck him off a little so he'll buy his shit from them? The dealership thinking it'll get some pub from this? Because this entire article had zero mention of who even gave him the car. So unless your sole purpose was to get Wade's business and only Wade's business, your $230,000 investment sort of sucks.

PS - How "mad black woman" do you think Gabrielle Union got by being completely upstaged by some no name car dealership?

Snooki Takes Off Her Makeup And Looks Kind Of Hot?



Gather - Who knew? Jersey Shore star Snooki actually looks good without makeup. Earlier today, star tweeted a picture of herself without her multiple layers of makeup that include plenty of bronzer and a super smoky eye. Earlier today, the guidette tweeted, "No make up day :) and IDC :)" with a link to the shocking picture. The response to her brave tweet was overwhelmingly positive, too. Perhaps Nicole Polizzi should keep her make under style for a while, or at least tone things down a bit in her everyday life. Throughout the day, fans tweeted things like, "Snooki's cute without make-up." Over and over, people were mostly positive about her toned down look. Do you think she will take this support as a hint? After receiving so many positive tweets, Snooki tweeted, "Can I just say how AMAZING my fans/supporters are! You guys really know how to put a smile on my face! Love You all beyond words...." She seems surprised that people appreciated her without makeup.

Look you can ask anyone how I feel about the Jersey Shore and they'll tell you not even to bring it up near me because I'll go ape shit. I hate this entire thing so much I could go on a month long rant about it, I can't believe these frauds actually make money from this shit, or that people even care about their lives.... That said and out of the way, I've always been a huge supporter of no makeup - maybe some basic minimums to cover up the gross parts, but you get the point.. So anyway I see this headline and first feeling is pure unadulterated excitement. I cannot wait to see this beastly looking thing with no makeup on and just go to blog town on her. I mean look at that picture in the bottom left and tell me you can't see some sort of amazon monster under all that shit? Well fuck me right? Because she kind of looks legit with no makeup. Granted she probably took 78 self portraits until she looked manageable, but credit where credit is due - she pulled it off... I would.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Flip Saunders Says He's Been Eating Like Shit Because His Team Sucks


Yahoo - Head coach Flip Saunders appears to be taking these difficulties especially poorly. After Monday's 114-106 loss to the Rockets at the Verizon Center, he gave the media a sense of just how much of a toll the losing has had on his life. From Bullets Forever: "You can say it really kills you to lose, but until it really kills you? For me, for 3-4 weeks, I've been on a steady diet of Subway, which is 20 minutes from my condo, and I bring it back up to my apartment. Because like I said, you don't feel good about yourself. As a team, that's how it has to be. It has to really hurt a lot." There you have it: Flip Saunders hates losing so much that he's acting like your friend after the woman/man of his dreams dumped him for another man/woman. Someone should tell him to get back out in the world. Join a gym or take a dance class, Flip!

Well this pretty much kicks Subway right in the dick, huh? I mean here they are promoting healthy fresh food with every NFL player on earth, Michael Phelps and that retarded former fat guy Jared and Flip Saunders just comes out and tells them losing sucks so much he's been eating their shitty food to feed his depression. Some people use drugs, some use alcohol, Flippy here uses Subway. Phew - I almost had this shit for lunch. To actually say you're eating their food then follow up with "you don't feel good about yourself" just can't be what Subway wants to hear..

Jersey Politician Calls Eagles A Bunch Of "Gaybirds"


Around Philly - The playoffs can bring out the worst in die-hard fans. Ok, for Philly, the regular season and preseason can too. But a New Jersey state assemblyman seems to have let his passion for the Giants cloud his better judgement. North Jersey assemblyman Charles Mainor is currently playing the apology game for (gay) bashing the Eagles in recent a Facebook post. Will politicians ever learn to stay off Facebook? Mainor, in true Giants-fan etiquette, broadcasted this little zinger on his Facebook page: “We are not going to just lay down, we come to play. Who the hell do you think we are the DALLAS COWGIRLS OR THOSE GAYBIRDS FROM PHILLY . . . NO WE ARE THE NEW YORK GIANTS.” While Mainor claimed a “friend” placed the “gaybirds” bit into the post, the assemblyman soon recanted, stating that, “”I have very, very close relatives who are gay. I have nothing against them. I’m far from that.”

Ummmm I guess I'm missing what's wrong here? I usually stay out of the politic game, but this guy has my vote, just politically correctness swag for days.

This Crow Seems To Think It's God's Gift To Sleigh Riding



There's so many things wrong with this video I don't even know where to start. Sure you'll have those people who thing this is cute and want to be all over this Crow's dick but not me, no sir. You know what, not that tough to be sledding on roof's and shit when some sort of broken neck disaster can be avoided by just flying away. Must be tough knowing you're not risking your life at all. Take that thing down more than half way on the roof and maybe I'll give you some credit. What kind of apparatus you working with anyway? Thing can't get through a half inch of snow - maybe need to upgrade the equipment guy. And what the hell is this bird doing right now? Ever hear of flying south for the winter? Why are you even there right now?

PS - Viral Video's 101 - when making a video get the screaming asshole baby out of the room.

Porn Industry Up In Arms Over LA Making Laws To Make Them Wear Condoms


Yahoo - Some of the most prominent purveyors of porn say they'll start packing up their sex toys and abandoning the nation's porn capital if authorities carry through with a nascent effort to police adult film sets and order that every actor be outfitted with a condom. That effort took a serious leap forward Tuesday when the Los Angeles city council voted 9-1 to grant final approval to an ordinance that would deny film permits to producers who do not comply with the condom requirement. The measure now goes to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa for approval. Before the measure can take effect, however, the council has called for the creation of a committee of police officials, the city attorney, state health officials and others to determine how it might be enforced.

Anyone of these asshole city council people actually watch porn? You know how much porn sucks when people are wearing condoms in one of these videos? You might as well be wearing one too. Look girls can fake orgasms all they want, they can act as well as the think they can all they want, but there's no faking the mood when there's a condom in the room. The entire set is fucked, moods are ruined, video no good to anyone now. Who likes watching condom porn? What kind of fantasy is it to watch condom porn? Meanwhile in real life all you're wishing for was to be NOT wearing a condom. What kind of backwards shit is this?

PS - How many gay cops are gonna be jumping out of the closet once "condoms on dicks" checking duty needs shifts picked up?

Governor Of The Dirtiest Grossest State Ever Wants Hypothetical Giants Championship Parade In His Disgusting State Because He's Fat


Huffington Post - New Jersey Governor Chris Christie thinks that if the New York Giants win the Superbowl, the victory parade should be held in the Garden State and not the Big Apple. "They play in New Jersey. They train in New Jersey," the governor told Matt Lauer on The Today Show Wednesday morning, according to The New York Post. And when Lauer pressed Christie further, asking "What's it say on their helmets?" referring to the "NY" on the logo, Christie responded with "That's about it."

Like when you really break down what he's saying he basically admits he's mad he's a huge fatso right? Like he hates that his state is universally known as the biggest shithole on earth and it's biggest claim to fame is Bon Jovi. He hates that New York can own shit and just use New Jersey like its little bitch. New York just has its foot on Jersey's throat and there's no changing that anytime soon. I'll tell ya what, you can let them have a parade there all you want - but no one will give a shit, only parade that matters is down The Canyon of Heroes.... In New York, bitch.




It's Official. Jessica Burciaga Has Moved From 1A To Undisputed Number 1 Over Arianny Celeste In The "Girls I'd Marry With Zero Prerequisite Of Ever Speaking To Or Getting To Know Them" Poll


So the one girl I've ever seen who could challenge Arianny Celeste in this ultra exclusive poll has been Jessica Burciaga. Well the last few days she's pretty much copied the NY Giants blueprint and has caught absolute fucking fire at the right time. Just stepping her game up when it matters the most. She's been Instagraming straight sex since literally the second I got my iPhone Saturday and whoever thinks that's a coincidence is absolutely nuts. This couldn't be more of a Giants/Packers scenario, sure her and Arianny have played each other close in the poll over the last year, but head to head this week it was a fucking blowout. Her little Instagram blitz changed the game - your move Arianny, good luck and all - but I don't think you can recover from this.

Click for more of this weeks Instagrams and Twitter shots:

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

PS - What The Hell Is A Packer?


Like I get the other teams still in the playoffs, they have real mascots:

New York Giants: Pretty self explanatory, they're obviously giant fucking monsters stomping the rest of the NFL's midget dicks in.

Baltimore Ravens: A bird, I get it.

New England Patriots: All American - A Patriot, reminds me of Mel Gibson just going fucking ape shit in The Patriot, I don't know why, something about the name.

San Francisco 49ers: Come to think of it this name sucks pretty bad, too. Sweet nickname for your football team, name it after a number. You guys brainstorm names over a walkie talkie?

So what the hell is a Packer? Like is Green Bay known for packing shit? Was that where moving companies were invented? Did they create anal sex in Wisconsin? I was always under the assumption the gays in San Francisco laid claim to that.... Debate for another day.... But just because they're some old storied franchise we can't wonder how weak of a team name Packers is? What are you packing besides your fucking lockers right now? How unintimidating of a name is that? Like get out of the 1800's guys, maybe that's why you're illustrious home field advantage has been absolutely terrible this century. Sign of the times, time to change it up folks. Need a new name and you needed it 90 years ago. Maybe hit up a design team and work on that logo. A capital letter G isn't really popping off the helmet. Instead of being lazy and just slapping a letter on the side of your helmet and calling it a life, let's get creative here. Maybe put a guy putting some shit in boxes or something to symbolize a Packer doing whatever it is a Packer does.

Half An Inch And We're Going For The Season Sweep Of These Scrubs




Am I the only one that remembers the Giants were centimeters away from beating this fucking team Week 10?? And even after this they still had a shot if Eli didn't throw a missile into the defensive line on 4th down. But can't dwell on missed opportunity's right now - Giants are playing at a much higher level, Eli Manning is sharp as shit, right now he probably hits Manningham in stride while eating a Peanut Butter and Fluff sandwich on Arnold bread with no crust (you know he'd eat that shit, too) like it's not even a problem. Fist pump later and they're on their way to Indy. Bring these fucking suckers on, let's go.

Let's Talk More About That Fumble I Mean The Upheld "Runner Down By Contact" Play



So let's get serious here for a minute.... I'm going to ask a ton of questions in paragraph form: What's the point of Instant Replay right now? If a play like this is missed, by someone with the benefit of looking at these same exact pictures if not with more clarity - then what's the point? Where does it go from here? Do they review the replay rules? Like what if the Giants didn't absolutely steamroll the Packers? What if they end up somehow going to overtime? This is the play we go back to, right? I mean the ref came out and clearly said with authority that the play stands as called like he was 110% positive Jennings entire body smashed off the ground before the ball oscillated in his arms, right? That's how I took it at least. I was in such shock that it took me about 10 minutes to finally bombard Facebook with hate filled status updates. I was a solid "that was so 10 minutes ago bro" late in Facebook land, but I didn't care, I had to get it out. I mean what the fuck honestly happened here? Listen to me now, imagine the Giants lost?? But it doesn't matter - this type of shit can't fucking happen in the playoffs, there's just no room for it. Take this away, Giants are +4 in turnovers for the game and the Packers don't score the TD on this drive, and essentially it's at the very least a 37-13 game. That's without the assumption that the Giants unbelievable offense doesn't score after picking up this fumble in Packers territory. I'm showing hypothetical mercy to the Packers, they got beat bad enough as it it. But seriously, no way do these refs get another playoff game right? This crew has got to be done at this point. Like only a handful of preseason games for next year, right? Gotta be.

State Farm Must Be Making An Absolute KILLING Right Now





RULED FUMBLE NO WAIT HE'S DOWN AH FUCK IT LET'S USE THE REPLAY SO WE'RE SURE



Okay good thing we looked, yeah he was down. Nothing to see here folks, Packers ball, game on.

DISCOUNT BLOWOUTTTTTT


So who cares I haven't blogged in 10 days? No one on earth but more specifically the Giants, because they're too busy WINNING. Packers were too busy making State Farm Discount Remixes they forgot to get ready for a playoff game. Just can't handle the spotlight, that's why they couldn't go undefeated and that's why they couldn't put up a fight against the Giants. Can't blame them I guess, nothing you can do when you run into a fucking buzzsaw called Eli. Guy just carved through this Packers defense like it was nothing. Comes into Green Bay in the playoffs and just owns the fucking place. You think he or anyone else on this team gives a SHIT about going to San Francisco? Absolutely negative. They probably love it. Going to go in there, avenge their meaningless loss to them in a game they should've won by 20, and prove it when they beat them 30-10. Everyone wants to talk about Patriots/Giants rematch, I don't give a shit who the Giants play and neither do they - but I'll tell you one thing, you know whoever it is they're going to be absolutely SHOOK! Hottest team in the NFL right now, no question about it. Imagine JPP actually shows up in San Fran? Game will be over in the first quarter if he starts going off. Alex Smith is such a pussy I can't even stand it.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Director Of "The Fighter" Accused Of Groping Nieces Breasts. Okay? Oh Wait It's Transgender? Yeah That's Not A Good Look.


TMZ (seriously who else would break this story?) - David O. Russell -- the Oscar-nominated director behind "The Fighter" -- is under investigation in Florida for copping a feel of his 19-year-old transgender niece ... but Russell told cops it was totally consensual. The Broward County Sheriff's Dept. has confirmed ... Russell has been accused of inappropriately grabbing his niece's breasts during a workout session at a South Florida hotel gym on Dec. 30. Cops say the woman said she felt "uncomfortable" ... but admitted she "did not ask him to stop at any time." Investigators later contacted Russell ... and according to the report, the director confirmed he DID touch his niece's breasts ... but only after she gave him permission.

I'm still trying to grope what transgender even means (see what I did there) but seriously what is this phenomenon just sweeping the world? There was no such thing as transgender like 20 years ago and just like the internet it just appeared out of nowhere, now everyone's doing it. It's like one of those fad workouts like Insanity or P90X.

I mean, there's just so many things wrong with this I don't know where to start, but the most obvious is that the she(?) didn't say no. Everyone knows when a girl says no that really means yes, so when they don't say no you know you're in some deep shit. Can't fall for that "I didn't say no but I didn't say yes either" bullshit, that's for amateurs. Clean it up David.

Top Recruit Chooses School On National Television; Mom Ruins It



Yahoo - Geismar (La.) Dutchtown High safety Landon Collins, one of the nation's top defensive back prospects, made his commitment on live TV during the annual Under Armour High School Football All America Game. Collins, who is the number 15 overall recruit in the nation according to Rivals.com, chose to attend Alabama over in-state Louisiana State. That's when things got weird. Rather than offer excited words of support, Collins' mother dropped a "Geaux Tigers" chant and other pseudo attacks against her own son, all of which followed on some initial eye rolls which could have been taken straight off a mid-90s Jerry Springer set. The entire scenario was surreal.

I mean I can completely relate to Landon Collins here, when I picked which school I was going to I had an entire kitchen filled with my parents, so I understand the pressure here being on national TV and in a stadium filled with SEC fans. Talk about one of, never mind that, absolutely the biggest decision of HIS life and his obvious career choice, and his family there to "support" him, and his mom just flat out shit all over him. There's no way this wasn't talked about beforehand so she definitely knew what he was thinking, so her even being there was a mistake - but can't let her not get her shine on right? I mean I'm sure she had a lot to do with him being a really good football player, and him having the God-given ability to make her millions of dollars. Continuing with the typical-chick-story theme today this is another one, just selfish as shit - attention always has to be on them, so on her kids biggest day and the biggest moment of his life, she makes it about her. Making sure when she goes home to Louisiana she's the hero and her son's the asshole. Of course.

Michael Phelps Breaks Up With 11 Out Of 10 Girlfriend Like An Idiot



Some people might sit here and applaud Phelps for getting out while he still can, saying he's young and should play the field and all that like Jeter does - thing is though.... and make no mistake about it.... He is no Derek Jeter. This dude is flat out ugly. Sit here and try to tell me this isn't Eli Manning's ugly twin brother:


When you look like this, you can only use the "I won 8 gold medals one time in the Olympics" line so many times. I would probably stop using it right around the time I bagged Miss California. There's ambitious, then there's "whoa slow your roll buddy" and this one is the ladder. Sure he'll probably pick up a couple porn stars here and there, but you're not getting long term ass like the 11 you just had. This goes against all my better judgement because I don't believe in being a celebrity and staying in some sort of fake relationship, but I'll say this was a bad move by Phelps here.

Pujols Contract Details Revealed


Yahoo - The nitty-gritty details of Albert Pujols' new $240 million contract with the Los Angeles Angels were released on Thursday and let's just say that it's good to be considered Phat. Over the next 10 years, the backloaded contract will give the first baseman an annual salary ranging from $12 million in 2012 to $30 million in 2021. He'll receive a hotel suite for all road trips, four seats to every home game at Angel Stadium and a luxury suite for his charitable foundation on 10 different dates a year. He'll also donate $100,000 each year to the team's charity and will receive $1 million annually for the 10 years after he retires as part of a personal services contract that he has the option to decline. Not everything is guaranteed, though. There are $10 million worth of incentives in the contract, including $3 million for his 3,000th hit (he's currently at 2,073) and $7 million for career homer No. 763, which would propel him past Barry Bonds on the all-time list.

And people wonder why athletes juice. I'll be honest, if I could have had the foresight at 17 years old, I would have been eating steroids for breakfast lunch and dinner. Seriously, sure Bonds is looked at negatively, but guy still has 762 home runs. Asterisk that shit all you want, but it's not changing. It's still there. And even if Pujols is found to have juiced, you think anyone really gives a shit at this point? I'm sure that's not gonna change the $7 million dollar home run he's gonna hit at some point. How about 10 years after your career you're still making 7 figures a year, for sitting at home during retirement. That's some 401K Alby is working with here. Say he plays 10 more years, it'll be 2032 when he stops making $1 million/year. That's crazytown. I'd have to work something like 30,924,802 years to make what he'll make in 1. Only in America, and guy wasn't even born here..... Some shit, huh?

GRAB YOUR TISSUES! Dog Hit By Avalanche Presumed Dead, Sitting At Family's Hotel Doorstep 4 Days Later Like A Goddamn Boss




AP - A dog that was feared dead after he was swept away in a weekend avalanche that killed his owner showed up four days later at the Montana motel where his owners had stayed the night before going backcountry skiing. Search and rescue team member Bill Whittle said he was "positive" that the Welsh corgi — named Ole — had been buried in Saturday's avalanche. "The avalanche guys were up there on Monday investigating and they were looking for the dog too and never seen any signs," he said. But on Wednesday, Ole showed up exhausted and hungry back at the motel, four miles from where the slide occurred, the Billings Gazette reported. "When I first saw the dog, it was sitting in front of their room staring at the door," Cooke City Alpine Motel owner Robert Weinstein said in an email to The Associated Press on Thursday. Gaillard's daughter, 11-year-old Marguerite, was putting photos of Ole on poster board as a memorial Wednesday afternoon. "She found out when she was halfway done with that that Ole was still alive," said Gaillard's step-daughter, Silver Brelsford. Whittle drove the dog back to the family in Bozeman. "He was tired," Brelsford told the AP. "He's doing really well now." "We needed this," Whittle said of Ole's survival. "It kind of cheered everyone up."

Just like there have been a couple of typical chick stories today, here's a typical dog story. Typical dog doing typical dog things like dominating life and bring joy to millions. You think this little guy was dead? Hell no, heart of a fucking champion. Not only can I not survive 4 days on my own, but without an iPhone no fucking way would I find my way back to the hotel I was staying at. This dog is more man than I am. If you read that line about how he showed back up to the hotel and was staring at the same door his family was in and didn't feel chills or tears then you're an awful person and you're probably going to hell. That's the kind of shit dogs do, and then when he heard his master was dead which he instinctively probably knew anyway, he knew he had to go home and cheer everyone up because no matter what he knows he still has a job to do and Goddammit he fucking did it! OLE FOR THE WIN!!!!!

Fat Out Of Shape Equinox Members In Uproar Over Skinny People In Ads



Shine - "Another couple million spent on the degradation of women. Good work fitness guys," writes a frustrated Facebook commenter. In fact, the "guys" behind the campaign is a woman. Equinox's in-house Creative Director Bianca Kosoy, a Parsons graduate and former Gap creative executive, is a fashion industry veteran. She oversaw the shoot and hired Richardson for a second time after working him on a campaign in 2011...Will it affect membership? "These ads are embarrassing. I would never come for a massage after seeing the ad for it," states one commenter. Another begs to differ: "I love the new ad campaign...The selection of models and the images show Equinox as high fashion, cool, hip and edgy." What do you think?

There are two types of people I can't stand - artists and advertising people. They live in another world. They say shit that makes no sense and say everything is "powerful" and "edgy" but seriously what the fuck does anyone walking into a gym or walking on the street looking at this shit actually care? I'll tell you what, I don't give a fuck. If I look at an ad or a billboard, I do that, then I continue on with my life. I don't think I've ever seen a billboard or an advertisement that made me stop and ponder how powerful it was and how edgy it made me feel on the inside. It's an absolute joke, these people all claim to be artists and shit and take things extra serious when in reality no one gives a shit about what they do.

Now other hand, these fucking commenters need to shut up. Maybe if you weren't fat these ads wouldn't bother you. Can someone please tell me what woman is being degraded by this ad? Frustrated Facebook commenter must be frustrated about being fat. And what the fuck is embarrassing about it?! Like what world are these people living in? Oh so now you won't get a massage because of this ad? First off the ad is for a gym, a place to go work out and get skinny and in shape like the people in the ad, not to go be a lazy fat person getting a massage. I honestly am at a loss that people are bothered by any ad, and of all ads this one. It's a woman fully clothed who's hot as fuck and a guy aiming a camera AT HER FACE. The way these commenters are reacting you'd think she was naked and finger blasting another girl with the camera shoved up her asshole.

Cop Asks Girl On Date After Giving Her Speeding Ticket. She Sues Him.


ABC - A Chicago police officer allegedly turned a $132 speeding ticket into a pick-up opportunity when he later tracked down the female driver and asked her out, saying the least he could do for the money he cost her was to treat her to dinner, according to a lawsuit the woman filed in federal court. Evagelina Paredes filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Chicago, accusing police officer Chris Collins of violating her privacy, according to the Associated Press. She alleges that after she was ticketed on Oct. 22, Collins searched for her address in the motor-vehicle database and left a handwritten note on the windshield of her car, which was parked outside her apartment in the Chicago suburb of Stickney, asking her out on a date. In the note, a copy of which appeared was included in the court documents and was obtained by the Associated Press, the 27-year-old police officer tried to woo the female driver with humor and a seemingly heartfelt plea.


"It's Chris … that ugly bald Stickney cop who gave you that ticket. … I know this may seem crazy and you're probably right, but truth is I have not stopped thinking about you since. I don't expect a girl as attractive as you to … even go for a guy like me, but I'm taking a shot anyways. I did cost you $132 - least I can do is buy you dinner," the note reportedly read.


Paredes claims that the note caused her to "suffer great fear and anxiety." In the lawsuit, which seeks unspecified payments in damages, saccording to the Associated Press, she alleges that Collins used his position as a police officer to "manipulate" her into going out with him. Collins declined to comment to the Associated Press.

If this isn't a 100% typical chick move then I don't know what is. This is like spilling piping hot coffee on yourself and suing McDonalds. You don't want to get asked out by a cop? Then don't be speeding while being fucking hot. Girls think they can get out of every single ticket just by showing some titty, you know what? Not gonna happen. I applaud this guy, he had an angle and he played the shit out of it. But because he didn't let her off with a "warning" she's suing him for some made up suffering and anxiety. What a kick in the dick for the cop they read his note out loud for the world to hear, way to fish for the "no your not bald and ugly" comments - not a good look bro.

Tiger's Ex-Wife Buys $12 Million Dollar Mansion; Immediately Bulldozes It




Yahoo - There are times when divorce forces people to do strange things. Burn sheets. Throw out clothes. Toss rings into the ocean. But when you get $100 million in your divorce, you can trump just about anything and that's what happened with Tiger Woods' ex-wife when she bought a $12 million home and bulldozed the whole thing. Yes, according to TMZ, Elin Nordegren bought a $12 million home in North Palm Beach, Fla., but didn't like it, and has plowed the whole thing. The house, which had six bedrooms and eight bathrooms, is now just rubble, with no word yet on what is going to replace the beautiful building you see above, but I guess when you have nine figures in the bank, it doesn't really matter what you want.

What a bitch, right? Seriously what a fuckin hard ass, oh I didn't like the $12 million dollar house so let me just buy it anyway and smash it to pieces. How about you just go find another $12 million dollar house you like? Wasn't this slut a fucking nanny before Tiger basically made her a bazillionaire? Now she's just running around buying shit and bulldozing it like it ain't no thang. Some life. Why does anyone even feel bad for this psycho? If I was married to some bajillionaire and I was changing diapers before I met them, I would pray to God they cheated on me like that, it's like winning the lottery. You get out of marriage altogether, now you're single and have half the empire - if anything this bitch should be on a weekly schedule of having to suck Tiger's dick because she should be thankful as a motherfucker.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Roy Halladay Acting Like He Saved Some Kid From An Anaconda



Mets Mezmorized Online (And you think Swagstein is a shitty blog name?) - According to NESN, Roy Halladay was on a fishing trip in the Amazon with Chris Carpenter, B.J. Ryan and professional fisher Skeet Reese, when he and Reese stumbled upon a local boy being attacked by an anaconda. Here is what happened according to Reese’s recent blog post:


“Me and Doc Halladay even came across a local, sitting bare naked on a tree by the river. What we were able to figure out is that he was fishing in the river for tropical fish to sell for aquariums when he got attacked by an anaconda. The snake apparently bit him on the ass but he was able to free himself before the snake wrapped him up. Instead the snake wrapped around his motor on the back of his little 14 foot dugout canoe and tore it off the back of his boat. Doc and I helped him gather his gear and flip the boat back over and then towed him home. You could definitely see the bite mark on his ass, but he was able to fight it off; amazing.”


So let me get this straight: The Mets won’t let R.A. Dickey climb Mt. Kilimanjaro but the Phillies will let Roy Halladay wrestle anacondas in the Amazon? Got it.

Wow, I mean Halladay must have some huge balls to get in there and wrestle that Anaconda like that, did you see what that fucking thing did to J. Lo and Ice Cube??? That had a motor that just didn't stop, tough to get in there and take that thing on after seeing that - wait what? He didn't do anything? So let me get this straight.... They watched some kid get bit in the ass, have his boat ripped apart, laughed it up pointing at him making fun of him that he was naked, then after they were disappointed he didn't get eaten and shit, they towed him back to where he came from? Sounds more like an article about LeBron than Roy Halladay, but I guess a fraud is a fraud, whether it's LeBron or the entire city of Philadelphia.