NFL KICKOFF WEEK!! 2012 LOCK PICKS!! SUCKER FREE SUNDAY'S ARE BACK!!

It's like Christmas around here with the NFL season upon us, and what better way to get things going than betting money on games amongst friends? Between shit like this and fantasy football, I'm willing to bet I lose my job within the next 3 months, would also take side-bets that I'm living on the street in less than 6. While I'm here, I offer you my picks:

New Orleans -7.5 vs. Washington - Normally I'd be weary of that little half point, but I'm not right here. The Saints are an offensive hurricane at home (too soon?). They tend to struggle on the road, but since that doesn't apply here I'll take them in a home opener against a suspect defense and rookie QB. With all the uncertainty surrounding their coaching staff and defense, the one thing that is certain is Drew Brees. That's really all that matters.

Buffalo +3 @ NY Jets - I hate to go against the Jets here, I think they have a rabid fan base that should make MetLife Stadium pretty crazy for their home opener... But I believe in the Bills. Since they signed this guy Mario Williams, I believe in them. I never thought I'd say this back in 2006, but Mario Williams justifiably went #1 in that draft. Guy is an absolute beast, and according to my mom and dad who met him at Yankee Stadium a couple months ago - the guy is nice as hell, too. I think he tremendously improves a defense that wasn't THAT terrible last season. They also stole Mark Anderson from New England, further strengthening their edge rush while weakening a division opponent, love that move. They have Marcell Dareus back for a full offseason in his second year paired with Kyle Williams inside, making this what I think will be an elite defensive front in 2012. Pair that with the extremely well documented troubles the Jets offense has been having and I find it extremely difficult to believe the Jets can spot anyone points right now..



NY Giants -4 vs. Dallas - I hate to pick against the Jets and then go pick for the Giants, but it's just that kind of "Perfect Storm" kind of scenario, if you will. I think with all the talk about Victor Cruz (and deservedly so), people are forgetting just how good Hakeem Nicks is, sometimes I think he's almost too quiet for his own good. The Cowboys are riddled with injuries to key guys, most notably Jason Witten. He probably won't play which severely hurts Dallas. Miles Austin is one mistep away from his hamstring permanently exploding, and Dez Bryant is about one backhand to a woman away from being banned from the NFL. The Cowboys are starting two new cornerbacks in 2012. One, a cornerback who has never faced top-flight WR's and comes from a pretty small market, was a 5th round pick and has somehow parlayed 8 career interceptions in 4 years into a $50 million dollar contract and all the expectations in the world. Two, a rookie who has an IQ which matches up pretty well with his jersey number whose teammate in college who went up against him every day in practice now plays for the Giants and knows all his weaknesses. Good luck guys. Should be fun trying to defend Eli Manning during NFL's Kickoff Game while the entire world watches you get torched. The more I think about this, the more I love it. And I didn't even talk about the Giants defensive line, wow. #JPP #DPOY

Wild Card Games

Indianapolis +9 @ Chicago - I don't want to miss the Luck bandwagon. I honestly like what I've seen from him, if he plays like he has throughout the preseason, then he's already a solid starting QB. I think that makes Indianapolis a little more respectful than the spread indicates. I like them to hold their own.

Kansas City +3 vs. Atlanta - Behind Chicago, my most hated team due to hype and overratedness has got to be the Atlanta Falcons. Again, they come into a year with a ton of hype, can they deliver? We'll see what this overrated defense can do against Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis. I think KC will control the ball, and they've got a very underrated pass rush that can disrupt Matty Ice. I love me some Julio Jones, but a WR isn't winning you games on the road all by himself. Wouldn't be surprised if KC wins this one straight up. Should be week one of sixteen on the road to Comeback Player of the Year for Jamaal Charles.

2012 Record: 0-0 (Wild Card 0-0)

Sucker Free Sunday: Week 11 LOCKS

Coming off my first 0-3 week of 2011 and not trying to follow Mike's pattern, so plan on winning some of these this week. Here we go:

This guy is starting Monday Night. This guy.

New England -15 - Kansas City is starting a guy who has never started an NFL game before... He's played for the New Orleans Saints, Arizona Cardinals, California Redwoods, Montreal Alouettes, Pittsburgh Steelers, and now the Kansas City Chiefs. Notice there were two non-NFL teams mixed in that THREE year span. So this undrafted FA is going to start his first ever NFL game on Monday Night Football AT New England? By the way New England is really good, too. Fuckin' lock.

NY Giants -5.5 - Vick, out. Maclin, out. Insert Vince Young who's season stats are.... Drumroll please.... 0 for 1, INT. Lock it up, $100 on it.

Buffalo +3 - Buffalo has been struggling lately, and I hate Buffalo and love watching them lose, but there's no real reason for them to be 3 point dogs against the Dolphins. They still have Fred Jackson, still have Steve Johnson, and Ryan Fitz who should all have great match-ups today. Love the field goal spread on the road, because there's a real good shot that's what this game will be decided by.

2011 Record: 16-12-2 (WC 3-9)

Wild Card Picks

Tennessee +7 - The Titans put it together offensively last week for the first time without Kenny Britt. Hasselbeck has seemed to have found a target in Damian Williams, and Chris Johnson is slowly getting back into form. I think they're evenly matched up with Atlanta now that Julio Jones has been ruled out, so 7 points works nice for me.

San Diego +5 - Looks like everyone is finally off the San Diego bandwagon, but that puts me on it. I'm like a hipster with picks. No one thinks picking SD is cool? Well now I do. I also have gone against Chicago pretty much every single week, I absolutely do NOT believe in this team. They overachieve what seems like every year, and get love for beating soft teams. Cutler is soft, and if SD comes out and plays the way they're capable of.... This could very easily be a blowout for the Chargers. Love getting 5 points for an offense that can explode at any moment.

Giants In First Place? I'll Take It



Who wears a wedding ring during an NFL game? People who wear wedding rings during competitive sports and who went to Harvard should stick to building computers and starting billion dollar businesses and shit, leave the quarterbacking to people who wear Uggs and/or kill dogs - you don't belong on the field.

That said, Giants with a big win yesterday. I didn't think they had it in them, no Tuck, no Hammerin' Hank, no Snee, no Jacobs, no defensive back 7. The defense has been struggling and did more of it to start the game - Freddy Jackson went pretty much untouched for 80 yards, Deon Grant looked phenomenal trying to make a play on him. Then some guy no one has ever heard of goes 60 yards untouched as Corey Webster honestly looked like he was scared to try any sort of defensive move to stop or slow him down.... It started real ugly. Then Eli pretty much took over, did a great job getting the Giants down the field using Nicks and big boy Ballard. Once they got down to the goal line Bradshaw started power spiking all over the joint and once he starts doing that shit the Giants pretty much never lose. He didn't look good early but once the patchwork offensive line grinded down the Bills front, Bradshaw started getting some holes and finally went over 100 yards this season. Dude had a huge day with the 3 TD's. Manningham was robbed of one TD and couldn't hold on to a second which completely fucked my fantasy team. Oh and my friend had Bradshaw, so double dick kick. Regardless the offense finally looked good, and that's without a Pro Bowl lineman and Jacobs in the backfield...

As for the defense, same story - looked awful early on but finally started getting pressure and slowed the Bills down. Corey Webster looked like shit all day, but made two absolutely huge INT's and one pretty much locked up the W. Picked Fitz off at the Giants 4 to give the ball back to the offense with a chance to win the game. Mathias Kiwanuka looks scary as shit coming off the edge, he almost had Fitzpatrick's wife widowed up on the sack/fumble he had in the second. The Freak Jr. JPP and his 10 foot long arms continues to groom himself into the best defensive end in the NFL with another sack to give him officially 7.5 on the year even though it seems more like 19. Osi right behind him with 5 even after basically missing an entire month and being a huge pussy all off season but to his credit, guy is coming to play. Tuck is going to take the tampon out after the bye week and for the first time in a while the defensive front will be at 100%.

After the bye the Giants will get much healthier - Tuck, Snee, Jacobs all expected to be back - Our first rounder, Prince Amukarmasamdemabol on the horizon to finally get a play maker in the secondary to help out and maybe make a tackle or something. But going forward the second half of the season looks like an absolute joke. Goes right in line with the last couple years of huge first halves and second half disasters: The Giants get the Dolphins at home and then go @New England, @SF, Philly, @NO, GB, @Dallas, WASH, @Jets, Dallas. Is that a joke? If the Giants can get this win against Miami to move to 5-2, they'll have a shot to finish 5-11 which would be pretty good. Going to enjoy this win and hopefully one more before the toughest second half schedule ever assembled in the history of the game, but at least the Jets are in there so we got a shot at 6!

Week 5 Picks: Better Days Ahead

I mislabeled last week's article "Don't Bet Your Life on It." Based on the way my advice for the first three weeks went though, maybe you should have known not to listen to me and actually bet your life / life savings. I went 3-0 to push my record above .500 on the season. Gotta keep the momentum going this week:

Bills +3: The Dream Team seems like much ado about nothing. They are hands down the most disappointing team in the league. On Sunday, they will also be without Trent Cole, their best defensive player. They couldn't stop the run to begin with. Now, they are toast. The Bills on the other hand are one of the NFL's best stories. They got knocked back to Earth a bit with a road loss to Cincy in Week 4, but the crowd will be in a frenzy and Fred Jackson is about to run wild.

Eagles can expect to see a lot of this on Sunday.
(I especially love this picture bc of the Jason Taylor corpse in the background)

Giants -9.5: The formula for wagering on Seattle's games: bet on them when at home, bet against them on the road. The Giants are playing great football and I can't see the Seahawks containing Ahmad Bradshaw.

Patriots -9: I try to be as objective as possible when evaluating the Jets, and I do not have a good feeling about this game for the Jets. Sanchez has looked awful. They haven't been able to protect him. The running game has looked terrible (although this would figure to be a the game they break out of their slump). All signs are pointing to a blowout especially with the Pats rolling right now.


Record: 6-5-1

Sucker Free Sunday: Week 2 LOCKS

The Chiefs fucked me so bad last week I should get 2 losses, but I don't HA - So I went 2-1 last week. I'll take that on my LOCKS. Now time to look at some Week 2 LOCKS! WOOOOO!

Oakland +3

I have no idea how Buffalo wins one game and now they're favorites? When was the last time they were favorites in a game? Hosting a team that just worked a division opponent on the road. Darren McFadden is going to run wild on the Bills, it's going to be epic. I say he goes over 150, at least 2 touches. Since I have Michael Bush on my fantasy team he obviously isn't going to do shit, it will be DMC all day err day. Raiders pass D is a lot better than the Chiefs, and Fitzpatrick comes back to earth this Sunday.

New England -7

Philip Rivers can't beat the Patriots, just can't do it. Including postseason he's 1-4 with a 78.4 rating against them. Plus, did anyone else catch a pass from Tom Brady last weekend? Guy just told all of New England to show up hammered drunk and rowdy as shit for their home opener. With that going on behind him, he might put up 600 yards and Gronk will have 2 scores. This will be a barn burner but New England will put up most of those points.

Pittsburgh -14

I usually stay away from spreads this big, that's what she said, but Pitt is coming off an embarrassing loss to Baltimore last week in which they made 7 turnovers and Hines Ward got fucking laid out. You don't think they're going to come out a little pissed off?? Seattle is still rebuilding and they have no idea what they're walking into at Heinz field. Crowd will be nuts and the Steelers will be fired up. This should be a blowout.

Bet Your Beer Money On It Week 1 Picks

Alright, it's week 1 - Probably the toughest week to predict. So many things can happen, so many teams will surprise, but these are the three games I refuse to believe will defy recent history.


Kansas City -7

The Bills are a joke, always have been. They even made going to 4 straight Super Bowls comical and unrespectable. I love Kansas City at home and love their running game. I think they dominate time of possession and use their underrated defense to do work on a weak Bills offense. Wouldn’t even count out Eric Berry for a pick 6 in this one.

Wide right?

Detroit +1

I don’t know when Tampa Bay started getting all this respect, but I’m not on their bandwagon. I am however on Detroit’s. They have a ton of young talent that’s been together for a while now. They show glimpses of it, but can’t seem to stay healthy long enough to reap any benefits from it. Right now everyone is healthy and they have a seriously scary defensive front. I cover my eyes when I watch Ndamukong Suh play, he scares me. I think they handle Tampa’s running game and force Josh Freeman into some mistakes that he forgot to make his rookie year. Detroit used to be an awful road team, but those days are behind them, this is a very talented young team.

Can't bet against Megatron.

Philadelphia -4


I know that Peyton Manning is out, but Houston is a 10 point favorite over the Colts. The Eagles are preseason favorites to reach the Super Bowl and only 4 point favorites on the Rams? On turf? With two of the fastest most explosive play makers in the league? Yeah I’ll take the dynamic offense in a dome on turf against a shaky defense every day of the week and twice on Sunday’s. Double the spread I’m still taking Philly.

Anti-Vick vs. Vick

Aaron Maybin Getting Cut Immediately Makes Me Wonder If His Career Stats Are Better Than Vernon Gholston's. They Are.

Aaron Maybin registered a cool 24 tackles in two seasons with the Buffalo Bills, 0 sacks and he was finally released today after being selected 11th overall in the 2009 draft and collecting near $11M in salary over that time. That's almost half a million dollars per tackle.

I still don't get why this isn't a bigger deal. I know Vernon Gholston has to deal with the fact he was a bust, but he got paid like he won the lottery so that should help. I know there have been busts out there, but holy shit with this guy. 5 year deal with $21M in guarantees, 6th overall in 2008 and take a look at these gaudy numbers he posted:

16 tackles? In 30 games? I think we all know he never registered a sack, but even with that said - In 30 games how do you not accidentally blindly by mistake run into the quarterback? How does the official scorer not accidentally mistake you for someone who actually gets a sack, maybe gives you half a sack because you were kind of on the same side of the field when a sack happened? The way this guy couldn't shed a blocker you'd think that was his job - might as well have put him at nose guard, he would've plugged up that line like a motherfucker the guy just attracted blockers like a magnet. Good thing he didn't reach any incentives, if he hit those the deal would've been worth $50M, lucky for the Jets he sucked so badly - saved them near $18M.

I know he took a "pay-cut" last year or whatever, but I'm sure that $21M was safely in the bank already.