HOLY TRUCK STICK!

Is this the greatest caught at the 1-yard line run in the history of the game of football of all-time or is this the greatest caught at the 1-yard line run in the history of the game of football of all-time? Holy shit! Talk about absolutely emasculating someone, I think he knocked that little kids balls completely off on that play. What do you think that kids parents did? You think they waited for the guy to get to at least the 20 yard line before they snuck out of the rear exits? Probably just let their kid die on the opponents sidelines while their entire team is calling him a bitch. Not the way I'd want to go out I'll tell ya that. I usually just tell people my school didn't have a football team and that's why I didn't play, but this is really why - just didn't want to die in front of my entire school while the cheerleaders laughed at me. Totally sucks.

PS - Seriously, is that kid dead?

Iranian Rambo

Authorities in authoritarian Iran have determined the latest threat to the Islamic Republic: squirt guns.
Agents of the regime fanned out across Tehran late last month to question toy store owners about whether the fake guns had been imported from America. Nope: made right in Iran or imported from China.
Why all this fuss? A water fight among playful youth at a water park.
After heeding a call on Facebook, a group of nearly 800 young men and women were among those who showed up at the park. They were surprised to find others there eager to drench anyone in sight.
They chased strangers around a giant water fountain, screaming and laughing as they splashed each other with water from toy guns, bottles and plastic bags.
"We had a blast. It was a rare chance for boys and girls to hang out in a public place and have fun," said Shaghayegh, a participant who did not want her last name to be used.
Among Iranian authorities, the fun and games triggered a different reaction. Police raided the park, engaging in a four-hour cat-and-mouse game with the youth, who turned their squirt guns on the cops and threw plastic bags full of water on the policemen's heads, according to participants and media reports.

Finally, park authorities cut off the water, rounded up dozens of young men and women, and dragged them to jail. Tehran's police chief vowed to crack down and warned that similar water-war events were planned in other cities….

"These events are a disgrace to our revolution. Our security forces and judiciary must stop the spreading of these morally corrupt actions," said conservative lawmaker Hossein Ibrahimi, according to official media.

As a daily reader of the Wall Street Journal, a story about Iran oppressing dissidents is nothing to raise eyebrows.  Iran throws dude in jail for tweeting, yadda yadda yadda.  Flays soles of feet for eating a big mac, yadda yadda yadda.  Electrocutes mother of three for taking a picture of a cloud, etc etc etc.  But even to a hardened veteran of these stories like me, this one caught my attention.

            At first I thought nothing of it because it was in that bottom center section of the cover page, which is usually reserved for some useless feel good story about protecting hamster breeding grounds or something.  But then, as I flipped the inconveniently large page, elbowing the young business lady next to me on the train in the face, the picture above caught my eye.  Some lady in full Muslim garb blasting off at the hip with a water gun like she’s fucking Rambo.  It took me a second to realize it, and I had to flip back to the cover (elbowing the business lady again.  Side note: WSJ—if you are reading this—please shrink your page size to normal human standards.  Are you planning to display a full military map of Asia on this bad boy?  Let’s save this woman a bloody nose and years of therapy for sitting next to me and cut this thing down to size).

            I had to read the whole article twice to even believe it.  Like…they are talking about water guns, right?  Water guns?  Like, little plastic toys?  Are we serious?  They got arrested for playing WITH WATER GUNS?  In America, we have heated debates over whether or not a dude should be able to carry an AK in his pocket and these kids are being treated like terrorists because they have water guns??  American lawmakers try to make laws that limit people to buying one gun a month…and we are talking real guns here, ones with bullets…and we are all up in the Supreme Court like, “But Your Honor, what about Christmas?!?!”

            Listen Iran, it is every kids Allah-given right to semi drown his buddy with a Supersoaker 7000 with a telescopic laser scope and heat seeking water missiles.  No revolutionary guard or secret police can stop this. 

            I would have loved to see this lawmaker make that speech too.  Can he have possibly said that with a straight face?  No way there wasn’t a room of his buddies laughing their asses off as he tried to make a bunch of kids playing with water guns sound like Children of the Corn.  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

            All of you who were worried about Iran gaining influence in the Middle East and acquiring nukes and building a navy in the Persian Gulf…stop.  If there kids can’t even use water guns, they don’t stand a chance.  Between Supersoakers, Nerf, and xBox, American kids are practically trained assassins by the age of 13.  I spent four years in the Army and I meet toddlers who know more about weapon specs than me from playing Call of Duty.  Instead of air strikes we should just air drop in loads of Nerf guns and let the place tear itself apart from the inside. 

Murder Your Own Baby; Kill A Guy With Your Bentley While Hammered Drunk and High as Shit; Steal 7 Cents -- 2 to 6 years, 24 days, Zero Jail Time -- Match 'Em Up

Okay let's break down our justice system here. I'm going to give you 3 cases, you pick which jail term best describes the crime.

Our jail sentences are:

A) 2 to 6 Years

B) 24 Days

C) No jail time

1) Mother murders her own baby, tries to cover it up, goes crazy person in the middle of it, makes up 9 stories of her own accounts of the incident, then stops speaking altogether.

A, B or C?

2) Guy goes out to a club, openly drinking until 4am, drives home. Gets hungry so goes to drive to the diner, ends up blasting a guy who was on his way to work. Guy, dead. Drunk driver completely fine.

A, B or C?

3) 15-year old kid beats up an old guy, steals 7 cents from him. Pleads not guilty and attempts to fight the charges.

A, B or C?

Get A Load Of These Fuckin' Geniuses

100% kneejerk post because I can't have that Bieber asshole looking at me everytime I go to the page. Need that bumped down immediately.

So I'm searching - just give me something to write about and BOOM. Look at this fucking article:

Yahoo! - What do the unemployed do all day?

One study last year found that much of the extra time gets spent sleeping and watching TV--leading to news reports that the jobless "frittered away" their time. Another analysis--this one released in January and co-written by Princeton economist Alan Krueger, who was announced Monday as the White House's pick to serve as the chief economic adviser to President Obama--pointed in the same direction. It found that people tend to devote fewer hours to job searches the longer they've been unemployed, and that sleep--especially "sleep in the morning hours"--increases as joblessness goes on. Together, the studies appeared to create a picture of the unemployed as lazy and unproductive.

No. Fucking. WAY! STOP TRAFFIC! The unemployed watch TV and sleep all day?! GET OUTTA TOWN! They sleep in when they don't have to wake up at the fucking ass crack of dawn to catch a 5:42am train?! Some serious research done right here. Some prize worthy studies. I mean where would the world be without shit like this? This just changed my view of unemployed people, complete 180. How dare they.

Look, in all seriousness I was on this side of the coin before, and shit ain't pretty. But what the fuck do people expect you to do? You feel like shit, all you wanna do is drink and sleep in, eat like shit and never go outside. It's just facts. That's how shitty you feel when your mom wakes you up every morning with the "I'm not mad I'm just disappointed" look. It just makes you feel like an asshole and not want to do anything. Complete depression status. You need a serious Al Pacino pep talk to get my ass out of bed. Combine that pep talk with a job offer and we'll have serious progress, I might be out of bed the next day ready to work. I just don't get the research done on such a universally known fact. Just come, ask me if it's true and I'll tell you. Boom, research over. What would you do if you didn't have to work? What do you want to do everytime you wake up for work?? "Ahhh fuckkkkkk I just wanna sleep for another 3 hours what the fuck I hate work!" Tell me you've never said that when you've waking up then you probably just need to adjust the amount of K's in the word fuckkkkkk until it fits because everyone has said that before. Fact.

Just livin' the dream.

Anyone Else Convinced This Is A Girl Yet?

Is this a joke? Am I the only one still in the dark getting laughed at here? Someone turn the fucking lights on already, take the tape off of America's eyes! What is it with this half little boy half girl thing? I'm being dead serious, I never listened to one song this idiot has made. Anytime his girly voice comes on I turn it off. I did it with Kid Rock songs, Ignition by R. Kelly. Refused to listen to them because they flat out made me uncomfortable and kind of mad. Maybe I have deeper issues, but I'm just going to stick with the surface facts of me hating the songs. I don't understand the hype surrounding this thing. I went about 4 years without even knowing who this kid was, all of a sudden girls my age are getting wet about this little nerd. What is it about 5'3" 130lbs? Do girls drop their pants immediately straight up because he's the only guy who can physically relate to them? "Oh my God girl I know! I can't even finish this cobb salad! I honestly don't know how I'm going to fit into my youth medium skinny jeans on stage. Maybe I'll just throw on a wallet chain to distract everyone to how stupid I look. No wait I got it, I'll just wear hipster glasses and create the single gayest hairstyle the world has ever seen then walk straight into a glass door like an asshole. Girls love that shit."

PS - Look at all the normal size humans in this shit just making him use every ounce of strength to even move the revolving doors. I'm surprised he didn't fall to the floor and have them carry him out. Nice hair asshole.

These Midnight Shifts Are Killing My Swag

I can blog through a fucking earthquake and a fucking hurricane, but can't get my shit together when it comes to working 12 hour overnight shifts? C'mon, I'm better than that. But seriously, getting on a computer faster than my phone when it's on SOS service is damn near impossible. I've taken it upon myself to sit at the head of the conference table tonight where no one can see my screen and also confiscated the fastest most normal computer here. Working wonders so far. I'm two and a half hours into the work night and finally able to get a blog going. I'm just going to say I'm sincerely disappointed I couldn't get anything done until now, but conditions are rough. All I know is that this backup of blogs in my head can only mean for a great couple of upcoming days. Too bad I'm going to Vegas Friday for Labor Day Weekend huh? I'm taking the computer and will blog from a nice chair in the Venetian! THAT'S WHAT'S UP!

But here's an update just so you know I'm still alive and that I've got some good shit coming. Stay tuned....

Jets-Giants Breakdown

In truth, I was only able to watch a little bit of this game and couldn't hear the announcers, although if Greg Buttle was working the microphone, that's a good thing.

A few takeaways:

-The 17-3 score was not really indicative of the game. The Jets second and third stringers put up 10 points in the fourth quarter to put the game out of reach. However, the Giants offense moved the ball on the Jets despite only putting a field goal on the board, and the Jets starting offense didn't impress.

-The Jets will be in trouble if they continue to employ the bend-but-don't-break defense. They took advantage of two Eli back-pedaling interceptions, but could only bring pressure on the quarterback when they sent extra defenders on the blitz.

-If the Jets linebacking corps of David Harris / Calvin Pace / Bart Scott / Bryan Thomas isn't the best in the NFL, it is definitely in the top three.



-I hate Eric Smith playing special teams in a preseason game. More people get hurt on kickoffs than on any other play in the game. Use some backups trying to make the team instead of your starting safety. The secondary is thin as it is; no need to risk an injury. It's good to have a short memory in this game, but it's dumb to forget Jim Leonhard's injury late in 2010 exposed a team weakness.

-Mark Sanchez threw for only 64 yards on 16 attempts while playing in seven series-es-es. I thought JaMarcus Russell was out of the league. He needs to improve. Plaxico Burress is 6 foot 15. How can you repeatedly overthrow this guy?

-If Shonn Greene wants to be an elite back, he needs to be more consistent. He had a drop on the first play from scrimmage that is unacceptable.

The Jets can be an elite team but they'll need to be more consistent in almost every facet of the game. B effort from the defense, C performance from the offense won't get it done in the AFC East.

Absolute Last Thing I Needed To See: Long Beach Getting Destroyed

Welp, anyone looking for a roommate?

Hurricane Irene Beating The Shit Out Of Weathermen

Nothing funnier than weathermen getting their asses kicked by mother nature because they're trying to win an Emmy or something. What a thankless job, seriously. Hey Eric, go stand in a hurricane so we can video tape it and laugh at you while we're sitting here unharmed 1,000 miles away in our comfy studio. And I love how painfully obvious everything they report on is, "It is raining HARD!" No shit. I can see you ducking and shielding yourself from the horizontal rain. "Whoa there goes that branch!" Yeah I actually saw that with my own eyes because this is a video, that new crazy technology - just stick to the weather information Gus Johnson.

Gross Lady Absolutely Crushed With Devastating Right Hook

You know what type of people get knocked out from behind? The type that look like that thing in the picture right there and the type that go to Liberty Bar alone. Unfortunately for Merri here, she's workin with both deficiencies. I honestly don't know how this hasn't happened before. It's open and shut to why this guy did it, too. No way was this about money, if you want money this is not the type of person you look for. This was a crime of passion, a crime of straight up passionately hating your appearance - just judging a book by its cover like a motherfucker. I don't blame him, either. Merri if you don't like getting your neck cracked by a right hook, maybe do something with that mop on your head instead of hitting up Liberty Bar to suck a few warm beers down. And I don't know what she's saying with all that coward talk - I think you mean genius honey, because if you knew anything about anything it's that if the person can't see you coming it's a certified knockout 100% of the time. This is the perfect crime except he scouted the area 5 weeks too early, how was he supposed to know they put that camera in? Fuckin' clean blow to the face, too - sign him up! And don't even tell me she lost teeth, those were gone well before that punch landed. Fact.

PS - How hilarious was the half conscious attempt to reach for her purse?



Proof That Mike Smith Smokes Crack

Mike Smith had his franchise quarterback Matt Ryan attempt 42 passes in the first half of a preseason game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, aka the best defense in the league. Crackhead, just because owners charge the same price for a ticket to a preseason game does not mean the game actually means anything.


If players are drug-tested, shouldn't this guy be too?


Seriously, Matt Ryan is the face of your franchise. Send him in for 10, 15, or even 20 passes. But 42? In 30 minutes?



[Sorry for the short post, but I think we might lose power here any minute.]

Is It A Turn On When Girls Are Into Fantasy Sports And/or Can Talk Sports?

I honestly don't know how to answer this. Of course every man wants a girl who has some sort of knowledge of sports, but it's a fine line.. I definitely want the girl I'm seeing to know what the sport is that I'm watching. I mean, I don't want to turn on a football game and see Justin Tuck sack Tony Romo and her ask me if he just hit a home-run. Can't have that. We need basics at the very least. Now if you can tell me that you know certain players, we're on a good track. Can't take it when a girl has no idea who Derek Jeter is. Not only is he a 5-time champion and one of the most marketable athletes in the world, but the way he's banging everyone left and right odds are he's probably had sex with you so you should know his name.

So we have the right sport information, and some general knowledge of the players involved. That's it! Stop right there. Knowing more than that is weird. Means you either have 5 brothers and you're a gigantic man tom boy thing or you're a loser because you should be focused more on doing make-up and dressing barbies or learning how to cook or something.

Part of me wants them to know about sports and be able to really talk shit with about things, but what the fuck do you have guy friends for? That's the whole reason they're around in the first place, the only reason actually. They offer no other benefits other than talking about sports with them. They never help financially, they never clean or cook, they only steal shit you own and in most cases it's guaranteed to be a platonic relationship. I can't say all cases because if me and Tatum Channing ever sat down had some beers and talked sports who knows right? Never mind.

Bottom line, I think it's a turn on when the girl is genuinely into the same sports you are and you guys can actually chill and watch it together. If the girl is disinterested or overly into it, it's definitely kind of a turn off. Fine line, though.

ENOUGH LYING! JUST TELL US THE TRUTH!

Shock Of The Millenium - God Can't Help Tim Tebow From Sucking At Quarterback

By Rick Reilly
ESPN - Randy Cross doesn't know me. Wouldn't know me if I stuck my thumb in his chili. So why did he just accuse me of being anti-Christian??

Two weeks ago, I wrote that Tim Tebow is not cutting it in the NFL. According to sources I quoted within the Denver Broncos, he is not within a plastic spork of cutting it. Doesn't mean he won't someday. It's just that right now, the thousands of guys wearing his jersey in the stands have as good a chance of starting as he does. Wasn't personal. I like the kid, just not as my quarterback. Or anybody's. Not yet.

But Tuesday, CBS Sports NFL analyst Randy Cross said that media like me are bashing Tebow simply because he's openly Christian.

Come again?

"People, especially the media, root against him because of what he stands for," said Cross, who won three Super Bowls with the San Francisco 49ers. "My personal belief is there are people in the media, people in the stands, who are predisposed to see a guy like that fail ... just because he's so public about the way he feels."

Now wait a damn minute. I've criticized Tiger Woods enough for 10 men. He's Buddhist. Am I anti-Buddhist?

Look anyone that knows me knows I can't stand Rick Reilly, just something about him and the way he talks pisses me off, just seems like a know-it-all smug asshole who name drops everyone famous he's "friends" with. Depending on the number of stories he's written about a person or how many times he's interviewed someone determines how close they are or something. I don't know it's weirdo shit. But enough about him.... Reason I say that is I completely side with him on this one. For different reasons.

Obviously Randy Cross is a moron, I don't watch football on CBS strictly to avoid the chance he's broadcasting the game. Holy shit he sucks. I'd rather listen to Iron Eagle, nothing like TV names huh Ian? But he's an idiot for even mentioning this when he publicly blasted the most flamboyantly open Christian and author of the greatest play in Super Bowl history (and if Steve Sabol says it's the greatest play in Super Bowl history, you can take it to the bank). So how do you tell this guy he's hating Tebow because of his religion?

Fuck that, listen to this, Tim Tebow sucks. Like what is it about these people? They're so in love with this guy that they're blinded to the fact that he literally sucks at his job. The guy can't do anything wrong it's insane. And apparently he hates it. I wonder if he shows up with tats everywhere, sluts hanging out with him at 4am taking videos of them sucking his dick and posting them on Twitter just to shake this goody tooshoe image. Like he's gotta be sick of this shit by now right?

By the way how the hell did the Broncos take him in the first round? What a joke. "He's a hard worker, real leader.... He's a winner." Fuckkkkk that. You need talent, first round talent, need to be soaking wet dripping with black athlete talent. This guy won in college, wow fucking awesome. So did Ron Dayne and Rick Mirer and shit, what does that prove? What a stupid first round pick. The Broncos wanted the pub, they wanted the money Tebow would make them, they had no intention of playing this guy. They did last year because everyone in the immediate Denver area was on injured reserve and they needed someone to fill the spot and they figured they were already paying him 1st round money might as well let him absorb a few hits.

I get it, he's a nice guy and it's hard to tell someone that nice that they're not good because you know he'll respond with "Well I understand, and I'm not perfect, but I strive with the Lord to make myself better every day and I will promise to you to get better and become the best I can be." But there is when Denver has to be like "Yo guy, shut the fuck up, we're telling you that you suck stop being so nice. You didn't make yourself better, and you're not going to be playing quarterback for us." Either that or burn a bible in front of him or something so he wakes up.

And I disagree with Reilly on the religion thing. I think he does shove this shit down our throats, nice eye black bro - no one fucking cares you love God. That shit is so fucking obnoxious I can't even take it.

BREAKING: JETER AND MINKA KELLY - NO MORE!

MTV.com -  Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have struck out after three years of dating.

The 37-year-old Yankees shortstop and the 31-year-old "Charlie's Angels" star, whose relationship began in 2008, confirmed to Just Jared on Friday (August 26) that they've split. Representatives for the notoriously private couple were open to the gossip site about the breakup.

"The split was amicable," sources told Just Jared. "But they remain friends. They still really care for each other."

The couple dodged engagement rumors over the course of their relationship and rarely spoke about each other to the press. When they did, it would often be on the defensive, like when Kelly was interviewed by GQ. The couple was frequently spotted in public together. Kelly was in Yankee Stadium in July for Jeter's 3,000th career hit, and she appeared in the documentary "Deter Jeter 3K," which premiered on HBO last month.



Okay - THAT'S IT! Earthquakes, Hurricanes, I'm working overtime, Jeter and Minka breaking up, OUR PETS HEADS ARE FALLIN' OFF! Where the fuck is the asteroid already?? I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!!!

Welcome To The Team, Willis!

PORSCHE ON THE POST PATTERN..... 6 POINTS!

Denver Post - An odd scene out at Broncos practice today, where an incomplete pass in the end zone by Kyle Orton skipped off the ground and cracked the windshield of a Porsche in the player’s parking lot.


The Porsche, it turns out, belongs to running back Willis McGahee.

"Hey Willis, I'm Kyle, welcome to the team!" What a kick in the dick. How do you act after that? You're the new guy trying to fit in and your starting quarterback should've been traded months ago but is still there throwing missiles with no launch coordinates straight at your hundred thousand dollar car - what do you even say? Do you flip out or just try and be one of the guys who has billions of dollars and really doesn't care about it. Seriously, the only reason these assholes get mad about this shit is they don't get to go do whatever they want after practice, now they have to go out of their way to get something repaired for what amounts to maybe 2 pennies for them. McGahee probably had an entire afternoon of Xbox planned and now he only gets to play for 4 hours instead of 5. He probably asked Orton to pay for it and Orton told him to fuck off. How great would that be? "Fuck outta here new guy, Lloyd should've caught that shit go ask him to pay for it." It's stuff like this that break locker rooms apart. Denver needs to be careful, or they might implode and this could affect their season, maybe they don't get to those 5 wins they were aiming for.

Is It Officially Time To Panic Or Should We Just Wait Until We're Dead?

I'm starting to think that this Hurricane Irene is a real bitch. I can't imagine a girl this fucking selfish. I have a fantasy football draft on Sunday, and this slut wants to show up and literally wreck the whole party. We were supposed to have it at my place in Long Beach, well that sure as shit isn't happening. Did you hear big Ed Mangano over here? Long Beach is dead. I haven't been home since Wednesday night, got a wedding in asshole Jersey tonight - I mean am I going to be able to get back to my apartment? More importantly, our draft had to be moved to NYC (@Mad River - 1pm - Hurricane Party starts at 4pm) and half our league is crying about how they're going to be stuck in the city. Being stuck in the city isn't an issue - this fucking draft is happening. I swear to God if we let this bitch ruin our fantasy draft, then we don't deserve to have a league.

LSU Football Bar Brawl

ESPN - BATON ROUGE, La. -- Two employees of the bar where LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson and three teammates are accused of injuring four people in a parking lot brawl said Thursday that one of the victims "threw the first punch" shortly after he had been escorted outside by staff.

In an interview with The Associated Press, Shady's Bar general manager John Peak and door manager Jordan Neldare offer versions of the bar fight that differ from details in a police report released Thursday. Neldare said he was outside and witnessed the fight firsthand but had not yet been interviewed by police.

There have been no arrests and no charges have been filed in the incident, but Baton Rouge police have said one of the alleged brawlers had three fractured vertebrae, which is serious enough to bring felony second-degree battery charges against whoever caused those injuries.

Is this a joke? A bar fight. We talkin' bout a bar fight? Wait, wait.... A bar fight. The cops went to Jefferson's house and took DNA samples?? Did someone get killed?? What is going on?! Don't we have bigger issues on earth besides bar fights? Do we need to do DNA samples for something that everyone saw and witnessed? Great, he kicked someones vertebrae through their asshole - let's do what everyone knows you're gonna do and let's do it quick. Suspend him for 2 quarters then get his ass back on the field with all 49 pairs of shoes he rightfully owns. I mean, you don't just go into a black dude's apartment and start taking his Ur Force Ones, that shit'll get you shot. Or your vertebrae cracked, but I wonder how effective he'd be without his kicks? Second thought, great move po-po, I see you workin'!

PS - If one of the guys who threw the first punch is the one who got his spinal cord realigned, how does he get to press charges? Dude you started a fight with future 1st round draft picks like an asshole and got your ass kicked all over the swamp, fucking deal with it. But if it's a 'Bama fan, fucking huge move and that's props. Just wearing one for the team that doesn't even know you exist.

Hello Friday.

Getting Called Out Has To Suck

How shitty does it feel when you get called out on Facebook? Like you're minding your business figure "Hey, I've got a solid status update in my head, let me get my phone to access Facebook Mobile" and just as you send it through, you think "Yeah, that should get some likes." Then out of nowhere comes a friend of yours just blasting you with the "Why?" call out. Ugh, rough. I mean do you comment back? Do you ignore it? My roommate Nick took the aggressive approach and came back at him, I can only assume while driving. Respect for that, but you see the move he made? Tried to change the subject real fast. Risky move because you need them to respond to make it look like they care. Jimmy decided not to respond, so I'd have to consider it a win for Jimbo here. I mean there's nothing worse than getting called out and then not getting a response from it. Maybe having someone blog about it is worse... I'll ask him when he gets home.

FIRE: DRAKE/AALIYAH MARVIN'S ROOM REMIX

Usually not a fan of mash-ups but given the anniversary of Aaliyah's death and the fact this is hot as fuck, had to post it!

R.I.P. Aaliyah

January 16, 1979 - August 25, 2001

HIDE YA KIDS HIDE YA WIFE SWAGSTEIN ON TWITTER!

Follow some swaggies here: @Swagstein_

DANICA PATRICK TO RACE NASCAR IN 2012!!!!

Yahoo! - The worst-kept secret in motorsports is a secret no more. Danica Patrick, arguably the country's best-known racer, will jump from IndyCar to NASCAR full-time beginning with the 2012 season.

Wearing the same leather-jumpsuit and high heels from her commercials, Patrick, alongside GoDaddy.com CEO Bob Parsons, made the announcement in Phoenix at a flash-and-dazzle event that was more GoDaddy rally than press conference.

"For breaking news that will shock the world, we are excited to finally announce that GoDaddy will be taking me full-time into NASCAR next year," Patrick said. "Very exciting. I'm just excited to finally say it."





A+ blog.

Best Analogy Of All-Time And I'm Pretty Sure That's An Understatement

Okay I was just talking about this with one of my friends, and feel as though I just came up with one of the best analogies of all-time. We constantly discuss the importance of meeting a girl but not hanging out with her so much that you completely forget you had friends. I honestly never found this difficult, and I've never had to deal with complaints on either side of the fence. I felt like I always had time to hang out with my friends, and always had time for the girl. I even lived with a girl for a year and never had an issue. I've gone on rants for days about this because I know people who just can't figure it out. They think they have it, but we go weeks without hearing from them, but they don't notice that. They think we hung out yesterday, it's like c'mon man that was last month, wake up. A lot of people have this problem, seem to make it this gigantic end of the world dilemma, and it just seems so simple to me. First of all, your friends were there first - you've known them the longest, you can't just alienate them and go off with someone you just met for weeks on end. That's just telling your friends they don't mean shit. Hang out with them, make sure you hang out with your friends the next night or whatever. Schedule something with the girl one night on the weekend, the best thing about your friends - you don't have to schedule shit - just go hang out and chill with them the other night that weekend, boom problem solved.... Whatever you do though, don't bring the girl to hang out with your friends and then do nothing but whisper in their ear or text with them while their sitting in your lap - that's gay as fuck.

Anyway, my analogy/advice goes something like this.... You know that feeling you have when you hear a song for the first time and it's absolute fire? So you put it on your iPod, your CD that you play in the car or whatever (am I the only one who still burns CDs?) and you bump the shit out of it. Next thing you know it's a week later and you find yourself skipping the song when it comes on? So you say to yourself "shit, I don't want to play that song out, so I need some time off from it". Then when you're feeling good and you really want to hear that song, you hook it up and bump the shit out of it - dance like an idiot and just feel it like a motherfucker. Once you've heard it you feel satisfied, give it a day or two then listen to it again - that perfect balance of keeping the song fresh and not playing it out.... Could there be a better strategy to dating??

Seriously.... I didn't realize it until just now, but isn't that what we try to do?? You meet, there's the infatuation stage when everyone loves each other and there's just no flaws with that other person.... Then you realize you hang out ALL THE TIME and before you start to notice weird shit you make sure you don't see them for a couple days. Then it's like everyone relaxed, start taking it slow, and then true feelings can develop over time - and they become that go-to-song that when you blast your iPod or pick it on the juke box everyone is like "OOOOOOOHHHH THAT'S THAT SHIT!" Flex drops a bomb on it and everyone can feel good about it when it's on.

Am I right or am I right?

Standing Room Only At Marlins Game

Yahoo! - There was an unofficial headcount of 347 fans in the stands for the first pitch of Wednesday's doubleheader at Sun Life Stadium. Cohen counted five sections with three or fewer people in it and three completely empty sections. The Marlins haven't announced the official attendance, but it likely won't challenge the record of the smallest crowd in modern history (believed to be 653 during a Oakland Athletics game in 1979).

That's because the Marlins will count all of the tickets were sold, not just the number of fans that moved through the turnstiles. Back in 2007, someone counted 375 fans in the stands for the first pitch of an afternoon Marlins game in mid-September and the "official" attendance announced by the team was still 10,121.

The empty orange seats at Marlins games, of course, has been a conversation topic for years and the upper deck at Sun Life has been closed since the All-Star break. Still, I don't think anyone can blame the thousands of Marlins fans for not attending this one. With Hurricane Irene bearing down on the East Coast, today's first game was moved from its original spot on Thursday so the teams would be guaranteed to complete it.

Ummmm who was counting the empty sections? Hate to break it to ya buddy but your math kind of sucks. I can see about a gajillion empty sections in that picture. How about the Marlins completely lying about who showed up. Like they're not even in the same ballpark (get it) with their figures: 347 oh no there's 10,000 people here what are you talking about? Snakes.... Shit if I was them I'd take the record if I could get it, why not? No pub is bad pub - marketing 101.

I love how they're blaming this on the hurricane that's no where near Florida by the way. You think Floridians are scared of the threat of a hurricane? Fuck that, maybe us here in NY will freak when it's coming off the coast of Africa like 2 weeks before it even forms, but they deal with that shit on the reg down there, they're all meteorologists at this point, they all know that shit isn't coming near them. People just had better shit to do that day instead of watching the 58-72 Florida Marlins play an exciting game of shit.

Throwback Thursday

I'm not going to do this everyday, especially "throwback" songs because I hated when I turned on the radio and it was "Old School at Noon!" that was awful. But this sounds better than Way Back Wednesday and I didn't feel like taking down the song yesterday because I had a good one for today. So this will probably be a once a week thing.

Anyway, these are two songs I knew every word to growing up - probably his only two songs that were big. Remember when MTV played music videos? Damn, those were the days..

BONUS TRACK!!!! FLEX DROP A BOMB ON THIS SHIT!!

Top 5 Knockout I've Ever Seen

Technically the guy wasn't knocked out, but sometimes that doesn't count - like when that sometimes is him flipping over a railing and landing on the back of his neck then trying to get up and getting a nice roll on the ramp in for good measure. I'll tell ya what though, next time he says he's gonna shoot someone I bet he does it.

Predictable LeBron Being Predictable

I'm not sure you can get a better "This is LeBron in a nutshell" video than this one right here. Holding the entire pool hostage, making sure he has an MC announcing his every move, making sure all eyes are on him, using the pussy diving board instead of the man diving board above him, making sure he was paid for it, making sure it was caught from multiple angles in case it sucked then he has rights to destroy all the videos. Seriously is this not LeBron or is this not LeBron? Making a 2 minute and 55 second video and not jumping until 2:47. Making everyone sit around and wait as he fakes them out and calls for more attention. Probably threw up some commercials in between fake jumps so he could make more money off of this weak ass dive/jump seriously what was that? You think he can swim?

Earthquake Footage! OH THE HORROR!

No fucking way with this guy. What do people in California Japan think about us? Must think we're the biggest pussy nation on the planet. When they stopped recording whatever it is they were recording - the camera guy had to give this dude some shit right? Like how was he still standing and still able to record a decent video and this guy is on his ass struggling to hide under a chair? Did he fall? Loose his balance maybe? That video should provide answers, instead I'm left with so many more questions. All I know is, Virginia really took a hit to their street cred after that video. I mean I felt that shit in NY and kept right on through work. Worked the full day, too.

And as for the second part of the video, give me a break. Store didn't shake for more than .5 seconds. Looked more like a gust of wind came through. And nice closeups on the boxes of cereal and grits on the floor - Guess what, those were houses and towns in Japan so enough with the dramatic "after" videos. Enough already.

Are The Giants Becoming The Mets?

ESPN - In less than 24 hours, the New York Giants lost their most productive cornerback and leading tackler, an emerging backup cornerback and a promising second-round pick.

Cornerbacks Terrell Thomas and Brian Witherspoon both suffered season-ending torn ACL injuries and coach Tom Coughlin revealed that defensive tackle Marvin Austin will need season-ending surgery to repair his left pectoral muscle, which was injured during the Giants' 41-13 victory over the Chicago Bears on Monday.

"Obviously we are not in a great frame of mind today," Coughlin said in a conference call with reporters. "I feel badly for these guys and for our team."

Austin's injury came as a surprise and Coughlin said the 6-foot-2, 312-pounder taken in the second round out of North Carolina will have to wait until next season to play. Austin missed all of last season at North Carolina due to suspension over his alleged involvement in the NCAA agent scandal that rocked the school.

When asked if Austin's injury is a season-ending one, Coughlin replied, "Yes, I think this one is. Sometimes they (torn pectoral injuries) can be nurtured back to some kind of significance," Coughlin said. "But in his situation, playing where he plays and the degree of the injury -- he got caught with his arm out to the side which is the way it happens so many times -- the doctors decided that this requires surgery."

Seriously what the fuck is going on? Hurricane on it's way NY, Earthquakes are already old news here, I was early to work today, and the Giants are being picked off left and right. Monday the Giants lost two more DB's for the season leaving them with pretty much no one and now the promising and impressive Marvin Austin is out for the season with a torn tit. Can this guy catch a break? He gets singled out at UNC for illegal benefits when the whole world knows every D1 football player gets them (personally I think you should be suspended if you're not taking benefits). So he's been out of football since 2009 - finally gets a chance to play and his second preseason game he's done. Big gulps huh? Welp, see you in 2012 - if the world still exists.

PS - Any chance they stop playing on this turf? How many more ACL's need to explode at "MetLife" Stadium?

Way Back Wednesday

I don't know about anyone else, but this song brings back legit memories. This was one of my favorite songs growing up. We used to listen to the cassette tape, yes the cassette tape, Side A and Side B like it was our job. No such thing as playing it out.

Quick Intro and Five Preseason Football Thoughts

Intro

Ricky and I go back about 20 years, including the last ten or so where his mom hasn't spoken to me because of a high school baseball trick play gone terribly right. I digress. The two of us root for almost none of the same major sports franchises - Mets/Yanks, Jets/Giants, Chaminade/St. Dom's, etc - which should make for some good debate.

We both want us as much reader feedback as possible because that's what pays the bills. Nevermind, it pays no bills (yet), but it makes writing about sports more enjoyable when people give their opinions. Just make sure those opinions are based on facts.

Looking forward to a good season.

***************************
Preseason NFL Thoughts

1. How much of a cancer do NFL teams think Clinton Portis is? The guy is less than 100 rushing yards short of 10,000 for his career. He's amassed almost 12,000 yards from scrimmage in his nine professional seasons. He has been bitten by the injury elephant the last two years, but somebody should take a shot on this guy. He's only 29 years old. Brian Westbrook had a job last year, but Portis can't? To top it off, the Dolphins just signed one of the worst locker room presences in recent memory, Larry Johnson to a new deal. Arizona, give CP a call.

2. Prince, Osi, Bruce, Brian, Terrell, Marvin. Giants fans are an Eli-Hakeem-Tuck trio of injuries away from feeling like Mets fans.

3. Usain Bolt, Oakland Raider? I'll say this happens in the next three years. The fastest man in the world needs a new challenge, and he's probably a better quarterback prospect than Terrelle Pryor at this point.


Al Davis has wet dreams about this guy.

4. How long until fans completely stop going to NFL games? Now that the package is being offered on PS3 and people are bringing guns to stadiums, I find it hard to fathom why people go to more than a couple games a year. Stay home, watch in HD, follow your fantasy team, stay alive. Sounds like a winning combo.

5. Really Cincinnati, your plan is to start Andy Dalton and not even try to convince Carson Palmer to come back this year? Bite nose to spite face. Have fun on your way to three wins.

BREAKING: FIRST PHOTOS OF D.C. EARTHQUAKE DEVASTATION!

DC Earthquake Devastation -

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support, as we look to recover from the devastation of today's quake!

Tried desperately to find the relief hotline number, I'll keep everyone updated!

Did We Just Have An Earthquake?

My building was just shaking and everyone is flipping out. People outside on Flatbush Avenue like what the fuck is going on? That was a first for me, some crazy shit. You heard it hear first though, kid fuckin blogs through earthquakes!

Seriously though, that was weird. Felt like I was on a boat just now.

UPDATE: Yes, that was in fact an Earthquake - centered in Virginia 5.8 magnitude. Earthquake in VA, computer screens shaking in Downtown Brooklyn, crazy shit.

PS - And could I be any more on top of this?? Blogged it while it was going on, Tweeted it while it was going on. People have some serious catching up to do. Probably hiding under their desks, pussies.

MetLife Stadium? That's it?

MetLife Stadium? That's just weak. I'm embarrassed.

12 Year Old Atlanta Girl Solves Crime And Thinks Her Shit Don't Stink... Until Wragge Has Enough

Hey Dick Tracy, know what this is called? Bein' a snitch. Not only are those two 17 year olds looking for you, but good luck on your first day of school when no one wants to be friends with you. Nice fake badge by the way. I hate people like this, she was so high up on her horse about cracking the case that she immediately called the cops to laugh at them and tell them "Ok, you can arrest them now". Yeah, okay sweetheart, thanks for your permission.

PS - Chris Wragge with one of the greatest interview cut-offs I've ever seen. Asking her a question then stopping her right before she gets to what she thinks is about to be the best part ever - wow just never seen a cut-off executed like that, unreal!

BREAKING: SPORTSBANTER.COM AN OFFICIAL CONTRIBUTOR

My good friend Mike is going to come on to talk sports at his leisure. He'll have full authority to talk about pretty much anything he chooses to, but his main focus for the fall will be covering the NY Jets side of things. I'm pleased to have him aboard, he knows his shit and if you try to challenge him, pretty sure you'll lose.

Don't hesitate to check out his site - TheSportsBanter.com
And follow him on Twitter at @mspici

This should be fun.

Reaction: Giants 41, Bears 13

Tough win (?) for the Giants last night, absolutely wiping the field with the defending NFC Champions (what a joke) but lost arguably their best cornerback in the process. The one position the Giants couldn't afford to suffer any more injuries at was in their secondary, and on a freak play with only 22 seconds left in the half and likely on his last play of the game, Terrell Thomas collided with Jason Pierre-Paul's third leg and consequently tore his ACL. Out for the year.

All of a sudden the Giants are paper thin at a position they entered camp at pretty deep. Their first round pick Prince Amukamara was lost the second he put his cleats on for his first practice and will be out until at least October. Bruce Johnson had his Achilles explode a couple days prior to that. On top of all this, the one thing that really pissed me off about last night, after Thomas goes down - the next punt return the Giants decide to put CB Brian Witherspoon back to return. Anyone reminded immediately of Jason Sehorn? Well, Witherspoon obviously got hurt, with an injury to his MCL. MRI will be done later today, I'm sure he'll be out for the season as well.

Not all negative reaction though, just wanted to get that out of the way.. Not sure I've been more excited about a punting battle in camp, but it's been interesting to watch. Steve Weatherford was brought in, to everyone’s not surprise, and was thought to be replacing the most atrocious draft pick of all time - Matt Dodge. Dodge, no matter what he does the rest of the season and his career, will always be remembered for his embarrassing division losing punt to Desean Jackson. Anyway, they both looked phenomenal last night. I still have no confidence Dodge will do this in a real game, but he looked much better. When he does connect he hits monster bombs. Weatherford, just overall a better punter with 10x the experience, connected on a couple as well. Biggest difference is the fact Weatherford can control it, and he can put it where ever he wants. That to me will seal Dodge's fate, but for now they're both pushing each other and Dodge is responding very well to the pressure of the Giants bringing in a very good punter - this is definitely more competitive than anyone thought it'd be.

Is This Weird?

Is it weird when your own dad sends you an e-mail like this at work?




Fractured Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry
me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads
and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated
women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never
heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged
cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips
and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was
at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as
hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The end.






Is he trying to tell me something here?

Get A Load Of Trump And His New 757

This guy just can't stop, huh? When is enough enough? In other words - when do you stop buying yourself hotels and jets? I'm assuming never since this guy is 103 and still ballin' outta control. Do you think he even takes advantage of this? No way this guy still gets laid. He's got the all time perfect set up to just do whatever he wants wherever he wants and there's just no way you can convince me he's pulling any ass. Not with that wig. He should study up Mullet Monday's and take notes, guy could use a little change.

How come everything this guy does has 1980's written all over it? Enough with the black and gold color scheme. And what's with the gold everything? Does anyone even find that impressive? Sweet gold plated seatbelts no one will ever notice except you'll make sure it comes up in conversation the second you get on the plane. Get with the times Donald, get the gold out of here - keep that shit in the bank, no use for it 30 thousand feet in the air.

PS - I felt the singing robot from Rocky 4 was going to roll into that video any second there.

Deion Sanders Jr. Got Zero Swag

So I just came across this video, and this has to be the worst rap video/song/performance in the history of rap right? What kind of effort was he making in even mouthing the words? Kid definitely does not have the same stage presence as pops. I figured any kid Deion had would pop out of the womb with immediate swag, no regular delivery - kid does a flip on the way out, nails the landing on the hospital floor - grabs the umbilical cord and does some kind of jump rope Dougie the world has never seen and he's an automatic #1 overall draft pick in baseball and football like two years later. This kid apparently isn't even that big of a recruit in HS right now. Maybe concentrate on the game and leave the rapping to the rappers.

Rahim Moore Decapitates Donald Jones - Could Care Less

I think someone forgot to tell Rahim Moore it's only game two of the preseason. Saw this hit this morning right after I woke up, damn. The sound alone got me wide awake. I know it's an emotional game, but the Bills need to relax. Rahim Moore is a rookie who acted like a 10 year veteran who's just going for a walk in the park assassinating anyone trying to play catch and walks away like it's no big deal. I guess Brian Dawkins being around helps. First off, this was a clean hit to me. There was nothing dirty or intentional about it, he didn't line him up and spear him helmet first like Eric Smith did to Anquan Boldin a few years back when I actually thought Boldin died because that's what should happen when your helmet explodes off your head. I thought he did the right thing, late to get over can't make a play on the ball so you do what you're taught - separate the receiver from the ball - boom, job done. Shoulder to chest, lights out. I don't understand why defenders need to adjust because a receiver has his arms up or is in a vulnerable position. But biggest thing I liked about this is Moore just walking away, he didn't hit him and stand over him and talk shit - he got up, walked away, even with pussy WR's like Steve Johnson half ass defending his dead teammate, Moore just shook it off like nothing even happened. Talk about earning your spot as a rookie though. He just earned an entire locker room of respect with one hit. Sure Donald Jones had to die, but Rahim Moore will benefit from it. If I'm the Broncos I front the money for the fine that's about to come Moore's way, because like it or not - that's the right play, and I'd never ask a player of mine to adjust his game, do you baby. And so much for helmets and equipment being safer, I've never seen so many players get knocked out like I have in the last 3 or 4 years, it's insane. At least one per game.

Ah whatever, this one is just for fun:

Monday Morning Mullet

Dude Got SLAPPED THE FUCK OUT!

I don't even know what to say to this. Guy just wanted to be your friend man, geez. Boss move by the friendly kid not even flinching when tough guy tried to fake him out. In fights, people should be the same amount drunk, this was obviously lopsided therefore I think there should be a do-over. Favorite part of the video, kid who comes over at the end to check his vitals - what the hell kind of jeans was he wearing? Was there a flash flood warning and he was the only one prepared?

PS-  First World Star video, feel kind of pumped right now, like I made it or something.

Freaky Friday

BREAKING NEWS: BODEGAS SELL BEER TO KIDS BETWEEN 18 AND 20!

NY Daily News - More than 100 bodegas across the city were busted for selling alcohol to underage customers during a three-day sting by the State Liquor Authority.

The State Liquor Authority visited 212 stores beginning Monday, sending six young men and women inside while a state investigator looked on. At 123 of the undercover visits - or about 58% - the decoys, ages 18 to 20, successfully bought booze.

Michael Jones, head of the SLA's New York City office, said the investigation was part of an ongoing crackdown in neighborhoods where fruit-flavored alcoholic beverages are popular with kids.

Of the bodegas visited by the SLA, the Bronx had the highest citation rate. Thirty-eight of the 48 stores - about 79% - sold alcohol to underage spies in the borough. Manhattan wasn't far behind with 75% of the bodegas selling to customers under the age of 21.

HOLY SHIT NO WAY! These are the type of undercover operations that help me sleep at night! I can't wait to get a solid 8 hours in knowing these criminal kids aren't out at bodegas trying to buy some beer and fruity drinks! PHEW!!!! I mean forget about looking for drugs on every corner in the Bronx, let's look for kids barely under 21 years old with their magnificently articulated plans to finagle alcohol from the clerk who doesn't speak a word of English.

I can't believe things like this go on. Who needs undercover operations this thought out just to solidify the widely known fact that teenagers love to drink and party and try to get laid? Can't mess with history either, once you made that drinking age 18 back in the day it's embedded into everyone’s DNA - then they give it to their kids and they're programmed to start drinking at 18, simple science. It's no coincidence. Drop the drinking age back to 18 and all of a sudden we don't have a problem anymore. Boom, done. Solving problems left and right! Got a problem?? I'll solve it.